Tracking temperatures well into the 90's across the United States, with some regions topping 100 degrees Fahrenheit, the National Weather Service has decided to escalate their normal advisory up to an "Idiot Warning" for the next two days.
Advisory warnings have been reportedly ignored across the country, with reports of newly scheduled marathon events, numerous outdoor festivals, and throngs of people flocking to the beach. Dr. Sumner Daize, Director of the NWS, says that most people simply don't pay any attention to published advisories. "It's amazing really, how stupid these people are. I mean, we're not making this (it's too hot, you should stay indoors) stuff up, you know".
In an attempt to raise the level of awareness about the health risks, Dr. Daize spearheaded the effort to re-brand the advisory, specifically using the word "Idiot" to garner more attention. "In order to avoid serious medical issues like heat stroke and severe sun burn we have to call it like we see it. If you go outside for an extended period in the sun, you're an idiot".
The new NWS issuance will include a list of activities to avoid in the heat. They will include: Running, walking, bike riding, having sex, shopping, sunbathing, hiking, pointing, waving, shaking hands, turning of the head, sneezing, coughing, cracking your knuckles, tying your shoes, bending over or even breathing. "Go ahead; take a deep breath in 104 degree desert heat. Good way to fry your lungs", says Dr. Daize. "You want to have sex, or even breathe without killing yourself? Do it indoors with air conditioning. Having seen the physical attributes of most Americans, please God, do it indoors"