THE WHITE HOUSE--As one of his most prestigious national duties, Vice President Dick Cheney has announced the winner of the Official 2005 George W. Bush Look-Alike Contest. The winner, shown here (the REAL George W. Bush is the one on the right -- we think!), was selected from a host of turkeys from across the nation and around the world. Though without a DNA test, we can't be absolutely sure because the resemblance is so incredible.
"Marshmallow," the first place finalist, will be the president's primary 'stand-in' and '"Yam" will be his backup in the event of a debilitating line-of-duty incident. (The turkeys' real names are being concealed to preclude the eventuality of their induction into the Federal Witness Protection Program once they are retired from active service.)
While most of the arduous selection process was very hush-hush and held behind closed doors in the West Wing of the White House, the culmination of fine-feathered pageantry and photo-op hoopla were spread wide for the annual media frenzy. This is particularly important at a time in the year when there's a real news shortage and news hounds are scrounging for anything to offset the pounds of advertisements that overstuff their ink-drenched fish wrappers.
Seen by some political pundits as a shameless stunt to deflect attention away from George W.'s flagging poll numbers, the war on terror and the CIAgate litigation, SPOOFNews has uncovered the real purpose behind the annual poultry promenade: national security. The President's security corps fears the potential threat of growing disgruntledness among disillusioned Americans who bought into ‘the war that should have never happened' and their Middle Eastern counterparts who ‘hope to wipe Western culture off the face of Allah's planet.'
"Having look-alikes is nothing new," explained White House Security Chief Collin Alcarz. "Heck, why do you think there were so many false alarm captures of Saddam Hussein? The first four times we thought we had him, it was one of his phonies. And they were GOOD, too!" The newly hired additions to the White House Staff are expected to immediately begin standing in for the REAL president by making public appearances at non-essential events such as classroom visits and hobnobbing with whining liberals and whimsical Democrats. They will gradually work their way up to things like United Nations presentations and fund-raisers in the Red States.
Started during WWII as a wartime security precaution, the smoke screen strategy disguised as the Presidential Look-Alike Contest has become increasingly important with the advent of global terrorism. So important, in fact, that rumors abound that there are secret cloning experiments being conducted at the super-not-so-secret-anymore White House sub-basement laboratory to crank out genetic replicas of the reigning Republican.
Not to be outdone, those treacherous terrorists are working with ornithologists and biological engineers to develop a strain of avian flu that will ‘flush out' the impersonators, thereby exposing ‘the real turkey for the president he is.' Once exposed, they won't even have to plot an assassination, since the lethal avian flu will be easily transmitted to the ‘human' turkey, and the effects of human contraction of the disease are said to be swift and excruciating.
And, while the National Institutes of Health are scrambling to diagnose and develop cure for the ‘bird bug,' it will instantaneously infect and annihilate the entire American population, followed almost immediately by Canada, Mexico, and, ultimately, France. The rest of the world will be spared, either because it's already extremist Muslim or because it has neither the will nor inclination to resist ‘indoctrination.'
"I hope one of these turkeys helps foil a bunch of those turkeys over there IN Turkey and all those other ‘bird world' countries while I stay safe and secure in my Texas hideout," chuckled President Bush as he welcomed his new ‘equals into their patriotic positions.