LOS ANGELES - Transportation Security Administration Spokesperson Clovis Baxter Shamnoodle met with the members of the media at LAX Airport.
He informed them that due to the fact that a co-pilot aboard a recent Trans Air Arizona flight found a grenade launcher in the possession of a passenger sitting in the first class section they will be making some adjustments to the standardized TSA Pat Down Procedure.
Shamnoodle with the assistance of LAX TSA Pat Down Specialists Dante Dwight Whiffenhouse and Anthony Alejandro Dockenbong demonstrated the new pat down procedure which will go into effect immediately.
As over 70 members of the assembled press watched on Whiffenhouse assumed the role of a passenger and Dockenbong assumed his normal role of TSA pat down specialist as the agents are now being referred to as.
At this point Mr. Shamnoodle stated that he wanted everyone to know that what they are about to witness is being done strictly to protect every single man, woman, child, and even pet that flies on an American airplane.
And with that TSA Pat Down Specialist Dockenbong instructed the fake passenger TSA Pat Down Specialist Whiffenhouse to remove his pants which he immediately did.
He was then told to remove his boxer shorts which again he immediately did. The fake passenger was then told to spread his legs as far as humanly possible.
Whiffenhouse had a little bit of trouble at first but once he removed his shoes and socks he was able to better grip the tile floor with his bare feet.
At this point he was told to think about something pleasant other than the fact that he was at an airport in front of dozens and dozens of strangers getting ready to have certain intimate body appendages and orifices looked at and touched as if they were 18 karat diamonds being inspected by a jeweler.
As Dockenbong touched Whiffenhouse's taco tickler the fake passenger suddenly let out a yell. Shamnoodle quickly pointed out that the only reason why the fake passenger yelled out was because the TSA pat down specialist's hands were probably very cold.
After determining that the front crotch area was free of any weapons of any type and then ascertaining that the rear groin region was also free of any weapons of any type the fake passenger was told to put his legs back together, put on his underwear and pants and go on his merry way.
LAX TSA Spokesperson Shamnoodle wanted to make it very clear that although there are some who may say that this may be viewed as a type of quasi-invasion of ones privacy, Presidential TSA Pat Down Directive 13-13X, which President Obama signed into law on Friday, July 15, 2011 makes it totally, completely, and absolutely legal.
Shamnoodle went on to stress that if a passenger refuses to adhere to the new TSA Pat Down Procedure then the passenger runs the risk of one, being arrested, two being fined up to $2,000, and three being banned from ever flying on any airplane anywhere within the lower 48 states.
When asked why Hawaii and Alaska had been exempt he smiled and replied that the reporter would have to address that question to President Obama personally.
SIDENOTE: One lady, 93-year-old Henrietta Viola Zillameister of Porcupine, South Dakota stated that she is a virgin and that she has never had her she thing (horse collar) touched by any man and that she'll be damned if she is going to start now.