Congressman Eric Cantor held a news conference this morning at the Washington Golf & Country Club (established 1894) to announce his opposition to raising the US debt ceiling. It was a beautiful setting in one of the areas most exclusive clubs as Cantor, holding his putter in one hand and a gin & tonic in his other, issued this statement.
"I am willing to sacrifice some of my own perks but not the well being of other millionaires in this country just to satisfy Obama, his welfare moms, and other neer-do-wells. I am stating today that when the government defaults on its debt and our country goes bankrupt, I will take at least five percent of the profits I make on selling our government bonds short and give it to the Old Caddy's Fund here at the club!"
He smiled benignly and continued, "Also, I am canceling at least one of my next photo-op trips to Iraq and will photo-shop my last trip to make it look current, thus saving our country the cost of one hundred helicopters and two hundred ground troops to protect me. It will also save our country a present of a cute new outfit and a gold platted bong for Premier Karzai."
He smiled benignly once more and continued, "It is time for the poor to also share the pain, give up their country clubs and trips to Aspen. It is time for the middle class to make a decision, either move on up to rich or slide on down to poor and join the other schleps at the food bank."
A reporter shouted a question, "But Congressman Cantor, aren't you leaving a large majority of this country to live in poverty and degradation?"
Cantor replied: "If they don't like it, they can just go back to where they came from and that includes the Native Americans who have had a free ride here for far too long."
In related news, the AP is reporting that Majority Leader John Boehner upon hearing news of Cantor's announcement wept softly. Apparently, according to others at the scene, he then broke his #5 iron over the head of a Latino locker room attendant and a bystander heard him say to an aide, "Did that asshole really say, let them eat pop tarts?!"