Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Texas, Immigration

Monday, 28 November 2005

image for 980 Million trained Rattlers to patrol Texas/Mexican Border
"Border crossers fail to see the 980 million patrol rattlers this side of the fence"

Nancy Grace on last night's show told the governor of Texas, Rick Perry that he "lost his darned mind" after Perry acknowledged securing clearance from the Department of Immigration to acquire, train and deploy nearly a billion deadly Texas rattlesnakes along the south Texas border adjoining Mexico.

Grace asked Governor Perry,

"Governor? Governor? How just how LONG has this totally illegal plan of yours been going on?"

Governor Perry replied,

"We deployed the border patrol snakes 2 days ago Nancy. Already we've reduced illegal immigration into Texas by 87%".

United States Immigration officials say that the 980 million rattlers, laid end-to-end form a formidable 1387 mile long chain 14 horizontal meters wide, 3 layers deep stretching all the way from Laredo to El Paso then back again.

Perry assured Grace,

"The rattlers are trained not to strike unless their "halt" warnings are ignored. And, they have all been genetically altered, their deadly venom diluted by 33% meaning that most illegal aliens who fail to heed the rattlers "halt" warnings, that being the 'rattle', will not die or suffer even more serious side effects."

One illegal border crosser who did last night "almost make it" past the snakes told reporters from his hospital room in Laredo,

"We jumped the fence then .. snakes everywhere. I ran, almost made it then, I wake up here.

Grace, a tear in her eye told Perry,

"You need jail time for this Governor. Just LOOK at that poor man in the hospital. Almost killed by your, your snakes."

Perry replied,

"We have to stop illegal immigration somehow Nancy. Our snakes didn't bite him. He simply ran panicking and screaming, tripped and fell into those cactus's of his own accord. Although our 980 million rattlers WERE hot on his trail."

Jan Leno on last night's show quipped,

California's governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that he will not deploy rattlers yet in his state to stem the flow of illegal immigration. "Unless", the governor emphasizes "the snakes are not girlie snakes".

Immigration officials agree. 980 million highly trained border patrol rattlers have seemed to all but totally and completely eliminated the flow of illegal Mexican aliens into the state of Texas all within 48 hours.

Nancy Grace, however, ended her show with yet another tear, this time in the other eye telling Rick Perry that, in no uncertain legal, jurisprudential and Ex Post Facto Court TV terminology,

"You lost your darned mind Governor".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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