For over 20 years, the Republican Party has been haunted by the ghost of Ronald Reagan. His legacy looms over the party like a spectral haute-lisse. Since Reagan's retirement the party has unsuccessfully searched for a replacement who could galvanize the party's base while simultaneously appealing to moderates. Recently, however, the party has decided to stop looking for the next Reagan and instead has focused on bringing back the original Ronald Reagan.
In late June, during a routine séance in which Republican leaders were discussing long-term political strategy with the former president, Reagan's ghost suggested that, due to the Republicans' failure to field a viable candidate for 2012, he might be interested in running. Two weeks later, on July 4th (known to Americans as the anniversary of the day Will Smith punched an alien), the President's ghost held a press conference announcing his candidacy.
Reagan's ghost's candidacy has since created a stir among Constitutional scholars and other Republican candidates. Winston Zeddemore, a Constitutional scholar and Professor of Elitism at Harvard University, has suggested that a Reagan ghost-presidency would violate the 22nd amendment. In order to avoid a potential Constitutional crisis, Republican leaders have suggested using a "host body" possessed by Reagan.
"Many of the republican faithful would gladly give up their bodies for the good of the party" said RNC Chairman Reince "Toyota" Priebus. "They know that the Republican party is greater than any one person, and that those who give one's life for our savior, Ronald Reagan will be rewarded in Republican Heaven, where everybody pays for his own health care and there are no minorities."
Because nobody has yet volunteered to allow the former President to possess them, the party is looking into alternative options including using stem-cells to create a soulless host body. "Just to be clear, we're using stem cells only for this one purpose. The Republican Party has not changed its position on stem cells or abortion. It's just that we're willing to abandon that belief when It's politically expedient," said John Boehner.
Other republicans, however, have been disinclined to accept a potential ghost-President. Sarah Palin in particular has been a vocal critic. "I appreciate the sacrifices that Mr. Reagan has made for our country," Palin squawked over the roar of her bus engine. "His defeat of Mikhail Gorbachev in hand-to-hand combat atop the Berlin wall was one of the great moments of our country, and I remember watching TV as a little girl. But his time has passed; it's time for a new Republican leadership, one with a down-home folksy attitude." It is thought that Palin's opposition to Reagan is due to her inability to understand why Reaganomics caught on so widely while her idea of Palinomics, in which money will be replaced by Bibles, has been ridiculed by the lamestream media.
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln was unavailable for comment; it is thought by some that his answers were merely muffled due to the fact that he has been turning over in his grave once every four years, and that he is currently face down.