WASHINGTON (AP)-Desperate to improve his plunging standings in public opinion polls, President George Bush has sent Vice President Dick Cheney to be tortured at the US torture facility at Guantanamo Bay near Cuba.
"I took this decision reluctantly, but I had to do it to place the blame for everything squarely on Dick," stated the president at a packed White House news conference. "It is appropriate that Cheney be tortured at one of the American torture facilities that he set up."
"Cheney is a really bad guy and has been a really bad influence on my Administration," added Bush. "The transcript of Cheney's torture session proves this, and the audio tape is also available on request for broadcast to authenticate the transcript. As you will see, pretty well everything is really Dick's fault. This shouid really help my poll standings."
In this excerpt from the lengthy torture transcript, Cheney appeared desperate to confess to his crimes:
…Cheney: "Ouch. Ouch! Jeez, that really hurts, guys!"
CIA torturer: "Why did you do it?"
Cheney: "I had to! George said that Exxon Mobil had ordered him to set up these torture facilities throughout the world and he ordered me to do it! Arrrggghhhhhh! We had to extract information from freedom fighters to help us steal their oil!"
CIA torturer: "So who killed Kennedy?"
Cheney: "It was Alan Greenspan! Big Al and other shooters from the Federal Reserve did it, not Oswald! Oh, the pain!"
CIA torturer: "Why did you invade Iraq?"
Cheney: "Ouch! Exxon Mobil ordered us to do that too. They need cheap oil and big profits! Ouch, ouch!"
CIA torturer: "What about the reconstruction contracts?"
Cheney: "I confess! I got $3.4 million from Halliburton, and $1.6 million from Bechtel. Exxon gave me around $20 million for the new Iraqi oil contracts that were taken from the Chinese and others."
CIA torturer: "What about 911?"
Cheney: "Argh! Everyone knows that was a false flag operation orchestrated by Mossad. Bin Laden had nothing to do with it. Ouch! We fabricated all those audio and video tapes too."
CIA torturer: "What about the Plame leak?"
Cheney: "Scooter and Karl did that on the instructions of George and me. It was part of the overall web of lies that the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq was based on as engineered by Exxon."
CIA torturer: "What else have you done?"
Cheney: "We secretly sold New York City and Los Angeles to the Japanese, and we also sold Boston and Chicago to the Chinese, along with all American kids under five years old. OUCH! It was the only way to keep them buying our t-bills so we can keep going trillions of dollars further into debt."
CIA torturer: What about Marilyn Monroe?"
Cheney: "She was my mistress! I had a Halliburton hit man take her out after the mafia threatened to blackmail us! ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!..."