Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Walmart, Riot

Saturday, 26 November 2005

image for Laptop Riot leads to Xbox Shootout

DES MOINES (AP) A Black Friday laptop riot at a Des Moines Walmart rapidly escalated into an Xbox shootout requiring the use of overwhelming force by local S.W.A.T. teams and the deployment of the Iowa National guard.

Angry Walmart shoppers competing to purchase one of the 3 available $19.95 Pentium 4 laptops quickly spread the mayhem to the Xbox section where over 800 people lined up to buy the one available $7.95 Xbox 360 gaming console.

Tempers flared not only between customers but customers and store officials as well. One shopper upon learning that all four of Motorola's $1.99 RAZR V3 cell phones were sold out after standing in line for 7 hours allegedly smacked the electronics clerk "good and solid in the chops" leading ultimately, sources say, to the riot's only known fatality .. the clerk now being held without bond.

Complete and total pandemonium further ensueded after one resourceful customer released a "bag of bumblebees" in hopes of gaining a more favorable position in the $14.95 Sony 87 inch Plasma TV line.

"That's when I called 911" one manager, currently in critical but stable condition told reporters.

One shopper, also in Iowa City Jail was charged with "Whapping another customer over the head with a 19 inch monitor" while numerous incidents of patrons in the Xbox line spraying each other with Hasbro Water Cannons were reportedly recorded by Walmart spycam operators.

Witnesses say that there was even a mini-gulf-war in the children's toy section where a group of irate pre-schoolers fought frantically over one lone remaining "Holiday Hippo" hippo.

"It got pretty rough in there" one S.W.A.T. team member said adding, "If the National Guard hadn't shown up with the Apache helicopters when they did who knows how many men, women and children we would have had to taser."

Walmart, under heavy criticism for luring holiday shoppers into their stores with promises of 99% off of two Xbox's apologizes for the riot, chaos, devastation and mayhem but promises that it will not happen again. Until Next Black Friday.

Store Manager Alexander Hayes, however, himself tasered, phasered, trampled and bumble-bee'd told reporters that next year HIS Walmart will most likely not roll back prices so low .. on Black Friday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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