Washington DC - Today the White House announced that President Obama had signed an executive order which declares that henceforth, the July 4th holiday is to be known as "International Assimilation Day". The move drew widespread criticism on Capital Hill.
"July 4th is Independence Day! It always has been and always will be!" Declared Congressman and presidential candidate Ron Paul defiantly.
Even Nancy Pelosi seemed to be distancing herself from the news, offering only lukewarm support for the decision. "It's just a symbolic name change. People can still have the day off from work. They can still enjoy a fireworks display if they so choose." She offered.
President Obama was golfing, so a spokesperson was left to struggle to answer the many question that were being raised. "The president just feels that, ahh, it's time to progress beyond an ignorant sense of nationalism--not that it's ignorant to be patriotic...ahh...I mean, real patriots will support this progressive move." She said. "It's time for folks to realize that stubbornly clinging to religion, guns, and a selfish sense of sovereign freedom and liberty won't make the transition to a new world order any easier."
While support was tepid here at home, many foreign leaders offered their support, with the United Nations unanimously passing a resolution praising the name change. "We accept this generous and progressive move," Said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. "Although it's only a symbolic name change, it's a step we've been working toward for a while now."