Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 1 July 2011

image for NRA and NEA Merge to Bust a Cap in Education's Ass
"I said PI was 3.1415927, BITCH!"

Congressional leaders finalized an historic organizational merger between the National Education Association and the National Rifle Association just before the July 4th holiday break, bringing together two non governmental organizations with immensely different charters.

"Our goal was to take a highly profitable, politically influential and action oriented body like the NRA, and inject some of that positive energy into our lifeless educational system", says Congressman Bernie Stickman. The agreement provides for a pooling of financial resources, allowing the NRA to help rejuvenate ailing school systems around the country. "But with the benefit of new funding comes control", says Stickman. "The NRA will be instituting some new policies and procedures as part of the new deal".

"School systems around this great nation were bleeding money", says new NRA Educational Vice Chairman, Hugh Jammo. "But of course, none of that was OUR fault. Guns don't kill school systems, but naïve teachers, bad principals and gutless board of education members do." Jammo was brandishing an unloaded .45 caliber / .410 shotgun shell combination revolver during the interview, and used it to punctuate certain words as he spoke. "Check this baby out. Now THAT will get somebody's attention in a dark freshman hallway, eh?"

The merger seems to have triggered positive response from a variety of independent groups, including Friends of Charlton Heston, Boundary Waters, Ducks Unlimited, the Police Officers Association, The Blind Rifleman's Association and the National Horticultural Society who reportedly thought the "R" in NRA stood for Rose.

Details of the new policies and procedures are still sketchy, though Jammo believes that we will see an immediate and marked decrease in student on student crime. "Teacher on student incidents may increase slightly though", admits Jammo, "but that depends on what type of behavior correctional device the math teacher, for example, is packing".

Apart from command and control changes in the schools, new after-school initiatives are also being proposed including math and science tutoring and a "Learn to Shoot" program.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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