ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Keysboro Wiggincourt of Coos Bay, Oregon said that when he boarded a Trans Air Alaska Airlines plane that he had no idea that he would end up seeing himself all over You Tube, CNN, FOX, and even the Weather Channel.
The unemployed tree planter was traveling with his girlfriend Nora Nan Boysenfaust, who is a pole dancer at Bobby Billy's House of A Dozen Poles in Coos Bay.
He said that he had just finished eating his little packet of micro-vanilla cookies when he felt something crawling up his ankle. Wiggincourt reached down and grabbed his ankle and in the process grabbed a scorpion as well.
Wiggincourt, who describes himself as a pseudo-metro, let out a yell that sounded like a cross between the sounds that Fran Drescher and Whoopi Goldberg make.
Well right away the scorpion bit him on his right elbow. His girlfriend Nora Nan saw the scorpion crawling on her boyfriend's lap and she swatted it to the floor with her Christian Dior Designer Handbag accidentally hitting Keysboro in his nads causing him to let out another Banshee-like yell.
By then two of the flight attendants had gone over to the couple and told them to quit being so disruptive or they would have the pilot land the plane and the two would be taken off in handcuffs.
Wiggincourt was by now starting to turn very white; whiter than he already is, since he is half Swedish and half Icelandic.
Sarah Palin, the ex-future mother-in-law of Levi Johnston, happened to also be on the flight and was sitting caddy corner to Wiggincourt.
She witnessed the whole incident and told Keysboro that the reason why the scorpion bit him was because it had been provoked by his girlfriend.
Palin remarked that she noticed that the scorpion was an extremely poisonous Striped Black Rap Scorpion which are only found in three places Texas, Ecuador, and Tucson.
She pointed out that it is also related to the Emperor Kamikaze Scorpion of Japan, the Dainty Duchess Scorpion of England, and the Nazi Achtung Scorpion of Germany.
Wiggincourt thanked her for the insect lesson but told her that the bite was starting to hurt like a mother effer. Palin informed him that someone was going to have to cut his elbow and suck all of the poison venom out very soon or he would never see the beautiful, charming, fantastically frozen Alaska again.
The two flight attendants quickly turned around and left. Palin took her seat. And Wiggincourt asked, "So what the hell do I do now?"
Palin told him that his girlfriend should just have left the friggin scorpion alone. She said that Wiggincourt should have asked one of the flight attendants to advise the pilots of the situation.
They would then have been able to trap the scorpion with a special on-board-varmint trapping device that most Trans Air Alaska Airlines planes are equipped with.
"Crosshairs" Palin then added that the particular type of scorpion that had bit him is considered to be more venomous than a Himalayan python snake, a Gobi Desert spitting lizard, and even a rabid, heat-crazed Australian kangaroo.
And with that Wiggincourt fainted. Palin stood up and made her way to where he lay on the floor. She took out her Kodiak 10-inch moose filleting knife, cut a two inch incision in Wiggincourt's elbow and sucked out all of the poisonous venom.
The "Grizzly Mama" then took out some red thread and a sewing needle and sewed up Wiggincourt's elbow
When the plane landed in Anchorage Sarah Palin and Keysboro Wiggincourt were both interviewed by the local news media.
A representative for Trans Air Alaska Airlines presented Wiggincourt with 40,000 frequent flier miles, 500 mini-packets of pretzels, and 11 round trip tickets.
The airline rep then thanked Sarah Palin and told her that they were going to rename the plane they had flown on in her honor from The Ecstatic Eskimo Elder to The Flying Snowflake.