Armies of frogs led by goats took over New York yesterday and threatened to launch nuclear war on the USA after they discovered that they had been the principal ingredients in Big Macs since 1956.
The frogs were led by a goat called William who runs a local Baptist church in West Virginia. Frogs comprise the bulk of his parishioners and were swept into a religious frenzy after the Reverend Billy delivered a series of fiery sermons in which he proved that frogs were the thirteenth tribe of Israel and did not deserve to die in a hamburger, even one as prestigious as a Big Mac.
Female members of the congregation originally planned to burn their bras but decided to invade New York instead after someone pointed out that they did not have any bras and thus no breasts to burn-or was it the other way round?
The frogs found it surprisingly easy to invade New York. They spread false reports that Republicans were due to win in November 2011 and all the Democrats ran away. They hacked into all the TV networks and shut them down for two days forcing the remaining citizens to look for MTV, FOX and MSNBC in other states. They spread rumours about bubonic plague, bird flu and nuclear meltdowns at local power stations.
Reverend Gruff entered the city in triumph and one of his first miracles was to part the Hudson so the frogs could cross over and ransack Bankster HQ on Wall Street. Never mind the fact that the only reason for the miracle was because Billy could not swim. It looked good for PR and all the frogs cheered and pledged a worldwide amphibian revolution.
In his panic, the former governor of New York left the launch codes for the entire American nuclear arsenal in McDonalds of all places. The frogs were perplexed that the weapons were only targeted on American cities and then realised that it was far better to be killed by friendly fire than by a Russian or Chinese nuke. Being nuked by one's government amounted to a premium membership of Dignitas.
Last Emperor Kim Jong Ill of North Korea was incensed that the frogs had shot his fox by invading New York before he could. And then the penny dropped-all the nine hundred and fifty billion dollars he wired to Damani Maru had somehow ended up with the greenbacks at Virginia Baptist Chapel, the very greenbacks who had taken over the Big Apple. How else could the frogs have 600 F-117s, 25 Aircraft Carriers, 123 Trident D5 nuclear subs and 56 million troops at their disposal?
As a result he ordered all frogs in North Korea to be arrested but this was pointless since the North Koreans people had already eaten all the frogs who were now extinct in North Korea as well as all rodents and all forms of plant life due to the man-made famine instigated by Kim Ill Sung, whose first act as a deity was to declare, 'Let there be no rain and let there be no light.' And there was no rain and no light, thus proving that there is a God out there, but sometimes not a very nice one, especially if you live on the North Korean Peninsula.
The only hope for the USA and the rest of the world is a split in the Revolutionary Frog Army of Virginia. Some frogs are already wondering why they are being led by a goat-not quite lions led by donkeys, but close enough. Meanwhile, back in Somalia, Benjamin Lowton is praying for a miracle and it seems insensitive to remind him that frogs do not live in deserts.
A spokesman for McDonalds was unavailable for comment.