Washington, DC - An emotional President Obama held an impromptu press conference in The Rose Garden today, where he made an announcement sure to stun the international community, once the information is processed and confirmed.
"My fellow world citizens" he began, wiping away tears as he read from a prepared statement. "Today I am compelled to reveal publicly our most secret and classified information. Doing so will surely cost me the support of the Bilderberg Group, as well as my seat on the steering committee of the Council On Foreign Relations. I don't care. This is that important."
A hush descended on those assembled, as most sensed that this was indeed to be no normal press release.
"When the human race first detonated nuclear weapons" he continued, "it sent a signal to an advanced, intelligent race of beings originating in the Alpha Centauri system. They sent spaceships to investigate, and in 1947 they made contact with us. At first, their purpose was to help us integrate into the intergalactic community. All of the technological advances of the last six decades have been a gift of this civilization, know as The Gorn. However, after a short period of time, they determined that we did not have the potential to join the intergalactic community as an equal partner. So they determined to groom us as a slave-race for their mining colonies. Now, however..."
At this point, the President had to hold back sobs.
"They have concluded that we are not even suitable to serve as their slaves. They've left us! Our Gorn masters have abandoned us--we're on our own!"
"Mr. President!" called out one of the top editors of Time Magazine. "Does this mean you will abandon the fight for immigration reform?"
"What? Immigration reform? What's the matter with you? You think I was born in Hawaii? I was conceived in a test tube aboard the Gorn Mother-ship!"
"So...immigration reform will take a back-seat to raising the debt ceiling?" persisted the Time editor.
The President seemed to lose his temper at this point. "The debt ceiling? Man, get this moron outa' here! The debt ceiling? Its just paper you idiot! Without The Gorn, we would've destroyed ourselves long ago! Its over! Pretty soon, you all gonna be wipin' yer ass with hundred dollar bills!" The President then quickly departed, surrounded by Secret Service agents.
Reaction to the news ran the gamut, from a self-described local Tea-Party leader, who was jubilant, and crowed "I knew it! It's time to really secure the border! Not just the border with Mexico--we gotta build a wall around the whole solar system!" to a despondent union activist who lamented "Damn...those mining jobs might have really helped jump-start the economy."