General Motors announced that they were cutting over 30,000 jobs and closing several plants. Analysts with the Michigan State Department of Labor have discovered the following jobs will not be cut in the layoffs:
1. Towel girls and sponge girls in the executive hot tub will keep their positions (except for the three who will be turning 30 and receiving mandatory retirement from the position and the six preparing to start maternity leave).
2. Waitresses and hostesses in the G.M. owned Hooters franchise (part of the executive dining room) are safe.
3. No executive earning more than 100,000 a year will be joining the unemployment lines. In fact, all of management will be receiving a raise due to having to deal with the stigma of working for a smaller company that will not rank as high in the Fortune 500.
4. Chauffeurs will not receive their pink slips.
5. Pilots, co-pilots, and stewardesses of corporate jets will still be flying high.
6. No relatives of anyone in upper management will lose their job due to nepotism clauses.
7. People in the marketing department who produce the annoying car commercials will continue to produce the annoying car commercials.
8. Janitorial and maintenance staff in the G.M. executive office building are not affected by the sweeping job cuts.
9. Masseuses and female aerobics instructors in the executive gym can continue rubbing oil and pumping iron.
10. Executive secretarys with big boobs, tight butts, and small brains can safely continue misfiling and sleeping with their bosses (because quality is still "job one" at General Motors!).
11. No member of the board of directors will lose their job. In fact, two new board positions will be created (each at $450,000 per annum) to oversee the new Downsizing Department ($375,000 per year for Department Head).
Among those who will lose their jobs are:
1. The people in research and development who decided to cut production of fuel efficient cars and increase manufacture of gas guzzling SUVs in a year of surging gas prices.
2. Lots of little guys who have worked faithfully for the company for many years and have no other job skills or foreseeable future source of income.