Wasilla, Alaska - Tired of being branded as a political lightweight, Republican presidential contender Sarah Palin today revealed some heavy ideas for dealing with America's ongoing economic crisis.
"The way I see it," Palin said, "America is being squeezed between senior citizens looking to cash in on their retirement and young people looking for work. The Palin Plan addresses both issues to put America back on the road to recovery."
Reading from notes, to make sure that she didn't "misinformationalize" the topic, Palin stated: "We're asking the old folks to hold onto their jobs a few years more before they retire - until 90 at the earliest. We figure that the poor things will work themselves to death before they can cash in. So we won't be handing out too many Social Security benefits. The money we save can be used to pay down the deficit.
"On the other hand, we have all these young people looking for jobs, and they want to work now," Palin continued. "To them I say: 'Whoa, slow down. Have a drink or two, relax, chill! You'll have a job soon enough as those old folks move on to their heavenly reward.' "
Asked if America is ready to make alcohol legally accessible to juveniles as young as 12 years old, Palin replied: "Did you know that Samuel Adams brewed beer for a living? I believe we need to reference back to those patriotic times, particularly with our youngsters.
"Anyway, it's a proven fact that alcohol slows down young brains, so we'll have a lot less little smart alecs running around, demanding a decent education."
The entire "Palin Prosperity Plan" consists of one paragraph and two bullet points, prompting reporters to challenge whether the proposal is comprehensive enough to solve the nation's complex economic woes.
"Well, you media guys could have asked that question to Abraham Lincoln when he was writing the Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope," Palin said. "It's a good thing he didn't have a stamp with him, or all those immortal words might have gotten lost in the mail."