After sixteen consecutive quarters of shockingly incorrect calls on the state of U.S. economy, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke said this week's press conference would be his final sorry attempt at making predictions about the financial direction of the country.
"Look, I've tried like crazy to figure this thing out. I've worked around the clock on this stuff, poring over data, studying Keynes and all the other greats," said Bernanke, obviously frustrated by another embarrassing episode. "Clearly, I'm missing something critical."
Bernanke went on to admit that as early as 2009, he had abandoned economic theory and turned primarily to astrology. At first, he used the stars as the basis for his market calls, but eventually took it a step further. The Princeton Ph.D economist began studying actual newspaper horoscopes, hoping to imitate their knack for making ambiguous predictions that seem to be true regardless of future outcomes.
"I never understood why people kept expecting me to predict the future after so many consecutive blunders. Heck, if my weatherman had my track record, I wouldn't listen to him either," said Bernanke, hoping to curry some sympathy from the assembled media.
Just a couple of years ago, Bernanke had been heralded as part of the team that saved the economy along with Former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. Now, Americans, who are fed up with high unemployment, low productivity, and banking system that is every bit as fragile as it was before the crisis, have started to rethink the Chairman's place in history much as they did with his predecessor, Alan Greenspan.
"You start asking yourself when people are going to realize that the emperor is wearing no clothes." exclaimed outspoken commodities investor Bailey Zeldin of Cranbrook Capital, who predicted the housing collapse in his 2006 book, Avoiding the Crash. "Good Grief! My six-year-old has a better handle on this country's economic condition than Bernanke and he has trouble matching his socks every morning."
Zeldin is not the only one with doubts. In a recent New York Times poll, 63% of respondents said they preferred Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder over Chairman Bernanke to manage the country's banking system.
"At least Snyder gives you the feeling he's got some kind of actual data and isn't just telling you what some politician wants him to say," said New Jersey poker dealer, Anthony Ronchetto.