FLAGSTAFF, Arizona - GOP mouthpiece Ann Coulter flew into Flagstaff, Arizona to visit an old high school girlfriend and she was shocked at the amount of fires burning throughout the state.
Coulter, who is not one to hold her tongue, told a reporter for GOPicky Magazine that it is time that Governor Brewer step forward and grow some and take the blame for the friggin wildfires that if are not stopped soon could end up burning down the whole damn state and then no one will be left to speak English or vote for "Shotgun" Sarah Palin.
The tall, lanky, dishwater blonde Republican swizzle stick said that at first Brewski as California Democrats call her blamed the fires on space aliens.
Then she said that the fires were started by lightning bolts that came in from Mexico. Later she said that a damn milk cow in the little town of Snowflake had tipped over a fuel lantern.
And then she changed her story and said that a voodoo Cajun witch doctor in Lafayette, Louisiana had started the fires by sticking matches into a likeness of a Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio doll.
Coulter said that she has had it with all of this mumbo jumbo, hocus pocus, hoodoo ju ju fo fo sh*t. She wants for Jan "The Man" to just admit that the fires were started from up above because of the fact that she closed down all of the Taco Bells in the entire state.
Ann was asked by GOPicky's Amos Soursuckle that surely she does not believe that the reason the wildfires are burning down the state is because of Brewer closing down the Taco Bells.
Coulter laughed and reminded him that back in the 50s when Mississippi shut down all of the Aunt Jemima Pancake Houses, the next day a total of 29 fires erupted mysteriously and burned down over 47,900 acres of prime cotton land; the type of cotton that they make Levi's 501 Blue Jeans out of.
Soursuckle suggested that a more plausible excuse for the Arizona wildfires would be that perhaps they had been set by using Ohio Kitchen Matches that the drug cartels south of the border had purchased with drug money which they received from Arizona drug dealers.
Coulter quickly told him to be sure and write in his publication that the idea came from him and from no one else.
He asked why. And she replied because just in case you don't know it A-hole, the drug cartels make the Taliban and Al-Qaeda look like Cub Scouts. They don't just shoot you, they cut your head off and then they shoot you.
Soursuckle thought about it for a while and then said that he would go with the fact that the Arizona wildfires were started by careless Mormon campers from Utah.
Coulter laughed and said good idea sh*t-for-brains. You ain't such a stupid jerk after all.
Louisiana stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree said that one thing about them folks in Arizona is that they sho nuff know how ta get rid of da mosquito problem.