Armed with a meager allowance from The Spoof (The US Edition), stringer Wally Wordsmithe is on a 3 week road trip to retrace the famous steps of the infamous Kennedy Clan as he's off to New England to visit some of the Pubs made famous by the gin guzzling family that made Bill Clinton look like a piker, sexually speaking, and Weiner look like the virtual putz he is.
Wally will be cruising through Rhode Island, home of former Congressman Patrick "Patches" Kennedy, and stopping off at several of his watering holes where he conducted business, hence the nickname' patches' for the leather swatches on his Brooks Brothers blue blazer that protected his elbows as he crawled out to his CAR for the early morning drives home.
Then it's off to Hyannis to revisit the swinging Yachtsman hotel, home of hot press conferences, open doors, open bars, sexy suites, hot sheets and hide the haggis parties made famous in the heyday of the fabulous 60?s leading up to the Kennedy presidential election where no one slept with the enemy, but there was plenty of chics that slept with the Brothers and 'Dexter' the Bell Boy!
We'll be taking a quick dip in Chappaquiddick and checking the swift current and tides, looking for that missing fifth of Beefeater's and a few used condoms that still may be buried in the clam flats.
We'll poke down to P-Town and hope to bump into Barney Frank, and not vice versa, as we study the life styles of the rich, gay, and corrupt in the Commonwealth, the only state that re elected all sitting Democratic incumbents in the 2010 election.
To insure anonymity Spoof US has worked out a deal with Rent-a-Wreck for a rusty 1998 Volvo 4 door sedan, and had it camouflaged with bumper stickers so we fit right in:
*Mamas for Obama!
*Nothing Better with Boston Beans then Franks and Weiners!
*Don't Bitch about the Economy! WE WON!
*We Got Change! But can YOU spare a dollar?
*Thanks! YOU Paid for My Vacation!
The well weathered Boston Red Sox hat will certainly help, but we'll be leaving our Manchester United Shorts and Wayne Rooney Jersey at home, not in a gay way, it's just we're not suicidal...this is America after all and we're not planning a stop in New London, Connecticut!
We'll be visiting Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket where once a year they celebrate Black History Month when Obama visits and all the rich white liberals gather on the lawn for a fund raiser to support fatherless afro-american children who are the victims of NFL and NBA stars, with the money being held by Jesse Jackson and Charlie Wrangle (sic).
We"lll be taking in a few lobsters and steamers, paying $4.50 for a gallon of gas, and probably have to wait in a 17 mile back up at the Sagamore Bridge to get over to the Cape, as Joe Biden has said it will take a few more years for Amtrak to get their High Speed Rail System running from Baltimore to Buzzards Bay.
We'll probably play a round of miniature golf on main street in Hyannis, then stop at Ben & Jerry's and have an Obama Cone; Black, White, Yellow, & Brown on the outside, real soft on the inside, with just a hint of sprinkles on top, but we won't expect any CHANGE from our 5 spot!
There's a certain Back Bay private restaurant we'll cruise by and remember Ted and Chis Dodd reprising their "Waitress Sandwich Act" made famous in an equally private Georgetown club, where the 'boys', both in their cups tried to get it on with a 'serving wench with Dodd on the bottom, her in the middle, and Teddy on top along with what looked like 'a lot of mayonnaise' all over the floor according to the maitre de.
We'll stop briefly at the Massachusetts Senate Office where the last three (3) Senate Leaders were convicted of graft, corruption, and basic disregard of human decency, but are still revered.
We'll stop by Harvard and attempt to get the transcript of Barry Obama's grades, and hopefully a picture of him in the yearbook, but we're not holding our breath.
Ted Kennedy was kicked out for Cheating on a SPANISH exam, so that's a dead end.
Hopefully traffic won't be too congested with all the Chevy Volts with Soccer Moms littering the road after they run down their batteries from running their air conditioners whilst waiting hours in the traffic.
Only the criminals in Massachusetts have guns, so hopefully we'll be able to cover the news and stay out of harm's way, but as yet, there is still no law against wearing body armor so we should be safe.
By the way, we'll be looking into the rumours that Whitey Bulger is hiding in plain sight working in a Lobster Pound in South Dennis where he's in charge of feeding the crustaceans 'bits and pieces' left over from the surviving members of the endangered Winter Hill Gang. His older brother, a court magistrate was convicted of perjury, while another brother William served 35 years as the Democratic God Father as President of the State Senate, and later, as a 'kiss' received $309K a year as President of the University of Massachusetts, but was later forced to resign and now enjoys a $196,000 a year pension.
Grilled by the US Senate about his brother, Bill professed ignorance, claiming he thought his brother was an usher at Fenway Park and had his hand in 'a few concessions, waste removal, trucking, and won his pink cadillac from being salesman of the month going door to door for a woman's cosmetic firm."
Ah Camelot! Be still my Heart!