Emporia, Kansas, - Seasoned law enforcement veterans from Emporia had to take a time out today after attending the scene of a horrific car crash on I35, which left one man with his head jammed so far up his own ass that he was able to chew on his own tonsils, should he have felt the need.
The accident occurred when a Ford Gran Torino, of the type popularised by the television show, Starsky And Hutch, hit a monster truck head on, leaving the unfortunate victim with his head jammed firmly up his own ass.
Early reports indicate that the man was en route to the sixteenth annual 'Why Does Everybody Keep Picking On Me?' festival in Wichita, during which he was to deliver an address to festival diners, stating that he didn't want to get involved in anything at all, and that no matter what people might think of him, he really hasn't done anything wrong.
Reports indicate that the man was still attempting to sound off, even though his head was firmly jammed up his own ass.
"It was horrible," Officer Krupky of the Emporia PD stated. "I don't know how the poor guy could breathe. His head was all the way up his ass to the point where his waistline was about to disappear. I've seen some car crashes in my time, but this truly was the mother of all car crashes. I just hope that they can do something for him down at the Emergency Room before he chokes on his own crap. Excuse me...I feel a little nauseous..."
The patient is said to be responding to treatment, having had his head surgically removed from his own ass, and surgeons are optimistic that he will make a full recovery.
"I don't know exactly what I did wrong," monster truck driver, Leroy Flint remarked. "I was just driving along minding my own business when this Ford Gran Torino came hurtling down on me and hit me head on. I could have sworn that the driver had his head firmly wedged up his own ass before there was any collision. But then, it's possible I'm mistaken about that."
We'll be right back after these messages...