Written by Michael Balton
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Friday, 17 June 2011

image for John Edwards auctions off his haircut to pay his legal bills; Trump, Giuliani and Gaga drive up the bidding on eBay

Former presidential candidate, senator and adulterer John Edwards is offering his famous haircut to the highest bidder.

Edwards, whose 2008 presidential run ended in scandal, was widely criticized for carrying on an affair with a campaign consultant while his wife battled cancer. Much was also made of his use of campaign funds to finance $400 haircuts.

Now he's cashing in on hIs copyrighted hairdo to avoid bankruptcy.

"Some have questioned my loyalty to my head, just as before they questioned my loyalty to my wife," Edwards said. "I believe you have to be loyal to yourself first. You have to love yourself. I just hope I still turn myself on after I sell this haircut."

Real estate developer and fellow egomaniac Donald Trump has secured the highest bid on eBay so far for Edwards' haircut. "$4.5 million is a pittance when you consider the important part hair plays in projecting your image," said Trump. "I can confidently tell you that my hair got me where I am today.

"Now it's time for a new direction, and I believe I can give John's haircut a good home. He won't need it where he's going."

Former New York Mayor and Republican cheerleader Rudolph Giuliani pointed out that if he wins the eBay auction, he'll have his first head of hair in 10 years.

"Those damn terrorists scared every hair off the top of my head," Giuliani said. "That's why if I win this bid, I'm going to send the bill to Al Qaeda."

Lady Gaga said that the John Edwards' haircut fits in with her plans to have a sex change operation. "Does anyone know if Edwards is auctioning off his balls as well?" she asked.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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