Anthony Weiner, the NY Democratic Congressman with the bulge in his shorts, and a void in his brain, checked into the infamous Moorview Institute today after a coordinated call for his resignation appeared simultaneously from Liberal political leaders after a week of ear splitting silence.
Weiner, wearing his trade mark Blue Cape and pink skin tight body stocking with a big W on the Chest was driven to Moorview in a blacked out limo where he was immediately processed through administration and placed in hand restraints as the first stage of his rehab for "Compulsive On Line Wanking."
Staff at the Institute, which specialize in " abating liberal compulsion leading to unacceptable social behaviour through the administration of tough love to promote hands free internet discourse," said Weiner will spend the first 2 weeks in solitary confinement, will have no access to the internet, and will be constantly monitored by TV cameras.
A source from within the 'campus' said that Weiner's check in was delayed when during the anal cavity search for drugs and pornographic pictures, his sphincter muscle tightened up and staff was forced to hose him down with cold water in order to affect release of the probing digit.
On hearing of the incident former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi showed no remorse, " I told him he'd be the subject of a probe...when will people begin to take me seriously! Uptight Arse Holes...can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!"
No word yet from wife Huma Weiner, who is said to be traveling with long time boss Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and being offered Marital Advice by both the Clintons which some say is like being lectured by Larry King on the sanctity of marriage. Larry believes in it so much, he's done it 8 times!
Weiner's holding tank measures 8'x 12' and is mostly unadorned, providing only a steel cot with a plastic sheet in case of 'wet dreams', a small stainless sink, and a stainless steel pissior located in the far corner.
Meals are brought 3 times a day by a hulking guard who releases Weiner's hands from their confines, and he is allowed 15 minutes to eat, relieve himself, and wipe his eyes and blow his nose before being placed back in restraints 'for his own good."
As part of his treatment there are 4 life sized portraits of Democrat National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (DWS) on all 4 walls showing the congresswoman from the sides, front and rear.
"This is the first stage in getting the patient to admit to himself that self abuse really isn't worth it, " said staff Psychologist Dr. Victor Nicholas, flown in just to handle (sic) Weiner. "Anthony has had problems in the past controlling his impulses which resulted in him having a perpetual hard on.
These pictures should certainly help him to curb these impulses and are the first stage in his treatment...I know this could be interpreted as repulsive and abusive by some, but here at Moorview we believe in "shock and horror" in order to get through to the patient."
Political analysts now say despite early support from the Dem power brokers and liberal talk show hosts, two things made them come out in a coordinated effort demanding that Weiner 'step down' from his seat in Congress.
The foremost reason was that campaign contributions had slowed to a trickle, hampering DWS's campaign to raise $1B (billion) dollars for the re election of President Barry Obama. "That little prick is killing us," she reportedly told her staffers.
The second, and most compelling reason, according to insiders, was the report that through a Freedom of Information act, Penthouse Magazine had gained the release of 24,500 sexually incriminating explicit emails and was about to publish them on line requesting viewers to go through them and report the most egregious of the lot under the Headline:" Wanking with Weiner. Turning Your Short Comings into a Big F****g Deal!"
Talk show host Chris Matthews on his show 'Hairball' still continues to hint that Weiner's wife may be part of the problem. "She travels a lot, which leaves Anthony too much time on his hands(sic), it's awful hard when you're so intelligent and can't find any relief from stress and tension caused by your job, believe me, I know first hand what it's like!"
Charlie Wrangle (sic) the disgraced, but still sitting NY Congressman who still hasn't paid his back taxes agreed saying, " at least he hasn't slept with any little boys!"
Wrangle still continues to badger Congress on behalf of the Black Democratic Caucus saying, "we've got to do something about those House urinals!
The water is too cold and deep, although Anthony never seemed to complain, but he never had to stand on a footstool to take a leak!"
"What's the big fuss about a Wittle Weiner," lisped former house Banking Chairman Barney Frank, (D, Gay, MA), "nothing wrong with a little self promotion and advertising...56% of his constituents still want to keep Weiner in office, that should tell you something!"
With only 17 months to go until the Presidential Election, Democrats are hoping Weiner will stay 'under wraps' until all the votes are counted, some of them at least twice in Chicago and in his home districts in Queens and Brooklyn.
Administrators at Moorview say the clinic has been inundated with mail for the Congressman, most of which can not be released to the public.
"There's all sorts of lewd messages and naked pictures flooding in from the liberal states in the Union. Unbelievable! Post office workers, school teachers, high school students, a school crossing guard, union officials, congressional staffers, air line stewardesses, and even one from former Congressman Eric Massa who sent a 'snorkel pix!"
While restrained from answering all the mail, a spokesman from the Congressman's office did issue one public comment from the Weiner.
"I want to thank all my supporters who have tried to contact me with their good wishes, as well as other offers of encouragement. While I wish I could respond to all the messages, I hope you understand that for the immediate future my hands are tied."
"Rest assured I have the fortitude, thanks to you, to keep up my spirits, and stick it out for the good of my family, my party, and my staunch fans."