Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Arkansas

Monday, 14 November 2005

image for Arkansas Lowers Age of Consent
Ellie May could have been married off and never gone to Beverly Hills under new Arkansas law.

The State of Arkansas, already possessing the lowest age for sexual consent at 14, has lowered the age to 12. William Joseph James Robert Huckleberry (also known as Billy Joe Jim Bob) of the State Attorney General's Office issued the following statement to the press:

"We done foun' out that the average age for onset of puberty in this state is 11 1/2. We give 'em six months to get developing and to let the slow starters catch up. Then, as we likes to say in the south, if they's old enough to bleed they's old enough to breed."

"We also figure that them twelve year olds has had them enough schoolin' to sign a pre-nup, so they kin take us fer our money if we strike it rich with a good batch from the still or if the black velvet paintings of Dale Earnhardt ever get to be worth somethin."

When asked to identify the age of his own girlfriend, Huckleberry said that, "she's okay fer all of this stuff. She jus turned fifteen last week. She's out takin' one of them lay-maz classes right now cause she didden get ta do it fer our first two yunguns. Her ma would'a liked this law. She had ta wait, barefoot and pregnent, till she turned 14 to marry my little brother. We're havin' her ma's 30th birthday party nex month if'n ya'll wanna come."

Representatives from N.O.W. (the National Organization of Women) were up in arms over the new Arkansas law. Spokesman Sherri Bulldike said that "These babies are not old enough to be having babies. Twelve year olds are still at that tender and difficult age where they tear their panty hose racing to find Easter eggs. They shouldn't have to put up with toothless hillbillies ogling them or wanting to get them into the sack."

"There is a reason that Victoria's Secret does not make training bras or have The Little Mermaid on their panties. Children are not sex objects."

"Instead of lowering the age to twelve, they ought to be raising it to the level of other states or even higher. No wonder Arkansas has the highest high school drop out rates and the lowest standard test scores in the nation. It's pretty hard to take the SAT test when you have to get a babysitter or can't even spell S-A-T. No wonder our former president had to ask what the definition of "is" is!"

When this reporter looked for members of the Little Rock Police Department to ask how they planned to deal with the new law, there were none in site. They were later discovered at the nearest Junior High school picking up girls.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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