Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 9 June 2011

image for The Reason Why All of Newt Gingrich's Campaign Workers Said "Adios Doughboy"
Newt Gingrich, aka "The Pillsbury Doughboy." (photo courtesy of Ann Coulter).

WASHINGTON, D.C. - GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has just received some good news and some bad news and some more bad news.

The good news is that he is ahead of Rick Santorum in the polls. The bad news is that nobody, outside of Pennsylvania, knows who the heck Rick Santorum is and the other bad news is that just about all of Gingrich's presidential campaign team has resigned.

When Newt showed up at his campaign headquarters the entire place was empty except for Oleander "Broomstick" Pennyfield, the office custodian.

Gingrich, 67, asked him where all of his campaign workers were. Oleander stopped pushing the broom and replied, "Well suh, I be guessin' dey all be gone I reckon dey be."

Newt shook his head and asked him where everyone had be gone to.

Oleander put the broom aside. He then got in Gingrich's face and told him in no uncertain terms to stop with his bigoted remarks.

He told him to quit that Uncle Tom BS cause he did not appreciate him making fun of the way he talked.

Oleander then reminded him that his ancestors had picked tons and tons of cotton down in Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia and that, that cotton had been used to make T-shirts, Levi 501 jeans, and boxer shorts for the unappreciative white folk.

Gingrich apologized to "Broomstick" and told him that he was going to give him a $20 gift certificate to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Oleander exploded and yelled out, "Now der ya goes agin, Misser Newt, I does declare ju sho nuff duzz be teenkin dat ju be bedder dan me dun't ya be teenkin dat huh ah huh?"

Gingrich shook his head and apologized again and told him that he would give him a $100 gift certificate to a local Gunfight At The OK Corral Steakhouse.

Oleander smiled, he did a shimmy on the floor, tapped his feet like Bo Jangles, and gave Mr. Gingrich a fist bump.

"Broomstick" then told Mr. G to sit down. He told him that he had heard a lot of talk and that the reason why most of his campaign workers left him was because they felt that there was just no way that the American people were going to vote for him.

Gingrich asked Oleander why they had said that.

He hesitated but he told him that he had to be honest with him. Gingrich asked him to please tell him the truth and that he was 67, and he could take it.

"Broomstick" cleared his throat. He took a sip from his bottle of Ripple Wine and said, "Now Misser G, I dun't want fa ya ta take dis here wrong, but I juss be tellin ju what I hears wiff my own ears. ebryone be sayin dat dey cannot keep workin fa a man who looks like a cartoon cackter (character)."

Oleander grinned and continued, "So dey all juss figger dat dey mice well juss skedaddle while da skedallin be good ja see?"

Gingrich shook his head. He picked up a bottle of water and threw it clear across the room. He then asked Oleander which cartoon character they said he looked like.

"Broomstick" looked down at his shoes and replied that some of the campaign workers said he looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy, some thought he looked like the Michelin Man, and others said he looked like a big old Cabbage Patch Doll.

Newt raised his eyebrows. He asked Oleander who he felt he looked like.

Oleander smiled and replied, "Well truff be told Misser G, I reckon ju kinda look a little like Joey Biden...'cept way mush mo fatter, shorter, and sarcasticter."

Gingrich smiled. He turned around to leave and as he did he told "Broomstick" to lock up the place as soon as he finished.

"Yassur, Mr. Pillsbury, and ju have a nice day now...ya hear?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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