Written by jimmy gosh
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Topics: Death, Government

Tuesday, 8 November 2005

image for Bush Declares War on Natural Disasters

As the death toll from the earthquake in South Asia reached over 80,000 and with the U.S. Government facing increasing criticism over it's handling of Hurricane Katrina, Bush declared war against natural disasters today.

"We don't do disaster" he said at a press conference in Latin America where he was attending a failing free trade summit. "And you're either with us, or you're with the disasters!" He then paused an extremely long time. Reporters weren't sure if he was waiting for the cheers that his hand picked audiences in the States usually give him after each sentence, or if he had lost his place.

"We will stay the course" he continued eventually. "And we will win this war on Global Disaster."

Asked by the press how he planned on accomplishing this, Bush was at a loss for words. "Well, um… you see…um…what you need to understand is…um…you know we…" Bush finally admitted that he wasn't sure. "I will start an investigation into this myself," he declared, "and I will get to the bottom of it."

Back in Washington, the Press Corp asked Whitehouse spokesperson Scott McClellan if a plan had actually been worked out yet. "As the President told you already, he is investigating it. And you know I can't comment on an ongoing investigation."

Meanwhile, Bush had flown to Virginia where he gave a speech in support of a GOP candidate for Governor.

"We don't do disaster" he proclaimed. "And you're either with us, or you're with the disasters!" He then paused for a long moment. "We will stay the course." "And we will win this war on Global Disaster."

Bush's "War on Disaster" was greeted with enthusiasm by right-wing pundits. "It's about time," said Rush Limbaugh on his radio program. "That's why the Democrats can't get anywhere: because they are not a party of ideas. You don't hear them come up with any plans on how to end all natural disasters, once in for all." Ann Coulter lashed out at Liberals in her column. "The communist Liberals all love disasters and want to legalize marriage to earthquakes and tornados" she ranted.

Back in Washington, Vice President Dick Cheney was lobbying hard against the congressional ban on torture. "We need all options on the table when it comes to saving Americans in this Global War against Weather Extremism," he said on Meet the Press. "And if we need to lean on a hurricane or a flood to find out where it came from and how many more there are, then we need to have access to the tools that will make it possible to get that job done."

The next day Bush gave a brief speech on the Whitehouse lawn. "We don't do disaster" he proclaimed. "And you're either with us, or you're with the disasters!" He then paused for a long moment. "We will stay the course." "And we will win this war on Global Disaster."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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