WASHINGTON (AP)-President George Bush returned from the fourth Summit of the Americas held in Mar del Plata, Argentina on Monday with his tail between his legs, stung at being called "human trash" by Argentine soccer legend Diego Maradona, and called "an imperialist" by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
Bush also saw his hopes for the establishment of a so-called "Free Trade Area of the Americas" go up in smoke during the summit amidst country-wide anti-US and anti-imperialist demonstrations that saw American companies like McDonald's in Rio de Janeiro and elsewhere torched with Molotov cocktails.
In response, Bush called a hasty news conference at the White House, and hauled out his family genealogy which was displayed on a large projection screen.
"I am not 'human trash,' although I sure am an imperialist," sniffed Bush. "But what you don't know is that in fact I am a direct descendant of Jesus Christ and the Illuminati through the Roslin Rose Bloodline," he exclaimed, using a laser pointer to trace his lineage back to Godfrey de Bouillon of France who led the first Vatican-sponsored Crusade way back in 1096 and established the Priory of Sion.
Bush then went on to explain how Godfrey and Bush himself (as well as other famous Western families) were descended from Merovingian royalty through the previous hundreds of years of their noble bloodline.
In a shocking revelation, Bush stated that it was well known that the Christian savior himself, Jesus Christ, did not in fact die on the cross and did not in fact undergo some sort of resurrection and ascend to heaven.
"Nope," Bush told the stunned reporters. "Jesus lived and got the heck out of there. Jesus and his wife Mary Magdalene and their sons left Jerusalem and went to Rome and then they ended up in the country later known as southern France. There, the sons of Jesus married into the Merovingian dynasty that ruled Gaul.
"So, I'm really like Jesus the 66th or something," he assured skeptical reporters. "My dad is like Jesus the 65th, too. So, my name really should be George McJesus Bush, or George McChrist Bush, or something like that."
"But I'm not really Jewish, since my lineage goes back even farther than that," he exclaimed. "The Bush family line including Godfrey and Jesus extends all the way back to King David and before and then even back to that Egyptian sun king, you know, the 18th Dynasty Pharaoh Amenhotep IV who started monotheism and married Nefertiti and later renamed himself Akhnaten."
"So I guess I'm really descended from Osiris and Isis and all those guys and gals in the old Egyptian religion," he asserted. "My family has secretly worshipped those great Egyptian gods for generations."
Bush offered to take selected reporters on a tour of the secret Bush family crypt that housed such treasures as the Holy Grail, the Original Cross, the bones of Jesus and Mary and several of their family, as well as the diary of Jesus Christ written in Aramaic. It also houses some of Solomon's treasure, the original eye of Horus, and other Masonic and Illuminati relics.
"I know this is all kind of hard to believe that America is being ruled by the divine descendent of Jesus and Osiris, but I'm sure you will all get used to it," he grinned. "Telling you all this history will make it easier for you to accept the New World Order we have planned and are now implementing."