Washington,D.C.-Just weeks after issuing a mock "Zombie Attack" alert the Department of Homeland Security has issued a real alert stating that an all out zombie attack is imminent.
The official bulletin states:
This is not a drill nor a mock exercise. A zombie attack is imminent and may be happening at this very moment.Citizens are advised to take all necessary precautions to prevent harm to themselves and others.
The bulletin had to be re-issued three times before it was taken seriously by civil authorities. Even then most people were seen going about their normal business as if nothing was happening.
When we caught up with Horton Grumbowski at a local filling station, we asked him if he was filling his tank in case he need to out distance an attacking hoard of zombies. His response was telling:
"Heck no! I'm filling my tank because I finally found a station where gas was under $10.00 a gallon. Listen, the government has been putting out these "Zombie Attack" bulletins for weeks now. It was funny the first time but I mean, come on! Zombies? Really? These people need to get a life."
Across the nation, highway hazard signs, which normally flash warnings about upcoming traffic hazards, warned against zombie attacks instead. Few people took heed. Elsewhere, police went block to block with loudspeakers blaring the latest zombie warnings. They were pelted with ripe fruit.
Even the president's prime time speech, in which he tried to warn people about the failure to act on zombie attack warnings, was met with ridicule.
"The timing on that one was worse than usual." complained a spokesperson for the Office of Homeland Security, Helen the Fetid-LimbDangler, herself an admitted zombie. "Imagine airing a presidential warning about a zombie attack in the middle of the movie, "Night of The Living Dead". Incredible!"