Washington, DC-What goes around, comes around! The dying dinosaur of Social Security has left the Baby Boomer generation at a loss for how to survive in a time where decades of government chicanery have taken all that glitters out of what once was hoped to be the ‘golden' years. But, true to form and in keeping with their ability to stick it to us when we least expect it, Congress has crafted a twinkle in the eye of every aging parent and a thorn in the side of every one of their children.
The so-called Child Rearing Appreciation Payment or CRAP plan will require adult children to pay for all the sacrifice and self-denial parents go through to raise their progeny from birth to age 21. As one senate staffer put it, "It's just a little crap they get in return for all the crap moms and dads had to put up with for all those years of whining, shirking and wastefulness from infancy through adolescence and into early adulthood. It's sort of like legal revenge that will keep bread n aging parents' tables.
According to the CRAP formula, once a child reaches age 21, a mandatory payroll deduction of 15 percent of gross income will be siphoned off by the employer and automatically transferred electronically (dumped) into the bank account of the older parent. In the case of an only child, this deduction will jump to 20 percent. This accounts for the additional ‘spoiling' effect of parents having to compensate materially to make the greedy little egotists feel ‘special.'
To encourage indebted offspring to keep their jobs, there is a stipulation in the law that calls for income averaging over the three most recent years of employment as a basis to establish an accrual system which will continue to grow during periods of unemployment. So, becoming or staying unemployed in no way provides an escape from the obligation to pay.
The new CRAP law, which will become effective once inked by the president, will exponentially benefit parents of large families. As the law states, ‘[EVERY] child age 21 and older' will be subject to the payroll deduction. Catholics, Mormons and fruitful fertility treatment takers will obviously get the greatest ‘buck for the bang,' so to speak. But, unless adopted at birth, parents are prohibited from last minute adoptions to attempt to ‘feather their nests' indiscriminately.
Economists and health care professionals foresee a spurt in population growth as a consequence of the looming legislation, since the more kids you have, the more you'll get in return down the line. The housing industry anticipates a boom in new construction once the CRAP is on the street. And childcare is expected to become much more than a cottage industry.
Investment planners and portfolio managers have already developed a savings strategy to assist owing children to cope with the new financial burden. Once youngsters become gainfully employed, they can begin to prepare for their eventual parental payback by taking advantage of the Supplemental Household Income Trust or SHIT program. By setting aside a modest 7.5 percent into an interest bearing account, they can offset CRAP by a significant amount, depending on the duration of the plan.
Those unable to take the SHIT can sign up for a Cash Advance Compensation Agreement or CACA, which will accommodate voluntary deposits into a similar plan. As a last resort, procrastinators who fight their financial fate to the bitter end, and those whose mcjobs pay more cents than dollars, can seek exception to the law through Parental Offset Obligation Postponement or POOP relief. However, the debt will eventually get paid, for after death, debts will be passed down to the next generation, with interest, of course.
CRAP will put ‘Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother' to the ultimate test. Don't be surprised if a shocking rise in mysterious elder deaths causes a surge in demand for funeral services and burial plots. Is there perhaps a Menendez Brothers how-to bestseller on the way?