Former popular real network talk titan Oprah Winfrey is off to such a dismal start on her cable network, she has been forced to give away many her own overstocked products to audience members.
On her old standard TV program, Oprah showered he audiences with free trips to Australia, new Buicks and Spa treatments. Now, with such low ratings, she can only afford to give away copies of her numerous weight-loss and self-help books, subscriptions to her crummy magazine, and stock in the controversial school she started in Africa.
In a candid moment of dismay, Oprah told staffers: "You're to blame, you stupid ass-kissers. And so are Steadman and Gayle. I'm so depressed, I'm drinking a quart of my own brand liquor every day, and I spend countless hours gulping down dozens of vegan pastries and smoothies at my own "Big O" health food shops.