Washington, D.C. -- Outlining a 7.1 billion dollar strategy to combat a pandemic influenza outbreak, President Bush on Tuesday said he had "persuasive and incontrovertible evidence" that the rapid spread of the disease known as bird flu has been facilitated by radical Muslim groups in Europe and Asia.
"During my presidency I have done everything in my power to keep the American people safe and secure, as the events of September 11, 2001 and the recent hurricanes down south goes to show," the President said. "I have also taken measures to keep the public informed of terror threats. As we say down in Texas, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of pork. The Department of Homeland Security is a pledge of my commitment to the American people, who deserve better. The traffic signal thing was Laura's idea, which she said worked well educating six year olds when it's safe to cross the street. And so far, it's worked."
Coming back to topic, reporters questioned the basis for the President's certainty that the influenza epidemic was the work of Muslim terrorists, and why the virus would be unleashed on Asia rather than wetsern democracies. Mr Bush commented that he was not at liberty to divulge the intelligence that had led senior health advisors to their finding. "I'll tell you one thing," Mr Bush said, "these folks are clever. They are committed to limiting our freedom, even if it means killing every last bird on the planet to do it." Pressed by reporters to explain how killing birds represents an "attack on American values," Mr Bush reminded reporters of the large number of baseball teams with avian mascots: "There's the Orioles and the Cardinals for starters, and then a bunch named after sock colors. And out in Kansas you've got Jayhawks. This is a real and present danger."
After a brief consultation with advisors before answering further questions, Mr Bush concluded, 'And I'm told that this thing can spread to humans, which is what I meant to say and what this vaccine is for. I am also told that this vaccine is expensive, but then I say so is human life, which is why we're in Iraq, and so is oil."
Mr Bush said it was particularly timely that the bird flu epidemic comes at Thanksgiving, when Americans sit down for a dinner celebrating American family values. "And what is the symbol of that--a turkey, a bird. In the last century, our country and the world have been hit by three influenza pandemics, and viruses from birds contributed to all of them. And I ask, will there even be a turkey left for next November. Or will the terrorists kill them all?"