Written by wadenelson
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Friday, 4 November 2005

Minneapolis -- For gluing two pieces of wood together, there's Elmer's white glue, or Gorilla Glue. For plastics, there's Superglue. For construction purposes, there's Liquid Nails. But what kind of glue do you use for harmless pranks like gluing someone's butt to a toilet seat? A now-unemployed Home Depot manager has admitted to "Wanting to find out."

Store manager Robert Dohboy said "Getting someone's ass to stick to a plastic toilet seat is harder than it sounds. If the glue is too wet they'll jump up as soon as they feel something wet touching their cheeks. It's got to be clear, almost invisible. And you need something that will set up quickly -- before the "victim" tries to stand up. Believe me, there are a lot of glues that don't pass muster for a prank like this.

Dohboy, fired from his job as assistant store manager at the Boulder store, and currently the target of a $5M civil suit from his "victim," had this to say: "For starters, I don't have $5M. And if Mister Constipated thinks he's going to get rich because he was the victim of a simple prank, he's wrong. Everyone's gotten stuck in a toilet at some point, even if it's just because it was out of paper. Can you spare a square, Elaine?"

Dohboy refused to disclose his glue "concoction" saying he planned to market it on the Internet to high school boys. "This beats the old Saran wrap gag hands down. You've never laughed so hard as when you see someone having to be taken to the ER with a toilet seat plastered to their ass. It's hilarious."

A spokesperson for Home Depot is quoted as having said, "The incident is regrettable, but it's not the first prank pulled at our Store. One of our clerks decided to test out a nailgun by nailing a customer's hand to the counter, after he complained one too many times. We call that guy Jesus, and he never came back, thank God. If we had to make somebody rich every time some silly contractor upset with our poor customer service pokes a pinhole in plumbing fixtures or rewires an electrical appliance to blow up when it plugs in, our store would be broke tomorrow.

The victim of the Home Depot butt-gluing prank, Frank Stickey, reportedly has no long term ill effects but is now "terrified to use public restrooms" and is seeking $5M damages for mental anguish and ass abrasions which resulted when the seat was ripped from his fleshy buttocks. Says Dohboy, "I could buy him his own porta-potty and a trailer to pull it around behind his car for less than $2000. He's a crybaby.

The prankster, and fellow clerks, describe the victim's cries for help as "pathetic wailing, kind of like you hear at 2 am when cats are in heat. He just wouldn't quit wailing. You'd think he'd dipped his weiner in boiling water or something. A .wmv audio file of the wailing is currently circulating the internet, named GlueButt.wmv.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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