Former U.S. President William Jefferson "Bill" Clinton had an unexpected sexual encounter in New York's Central Park yesterday while walking with his wife Hillary Rodham Clinton. The President had just dismissed reporters when a large, unidentified, brown dog came up and gave him a "Lewinsky."
The animal in question was naked except for a collar, so a stained dress cannot be used as evidence in this investigation. The dog also ran away after the attack, eluding police and secret service agents as she ran through the park. An all points bulletin has been issued for her apprehension.
When asked how he felt about the assault, Clinton said that, "Sometimes, women call be a little overly friendly around me. I'm just glad I wasn't expected to reciprocate in public."
An unidentified man shouted at the President to ask if he enjoyed the experience with the pooch. Clinton remarked that, "That depends on what the definition of "with" is."
Clinton was immediately rushed to a nearby hospital where he received an A.I.D.S. test and a rabies and distemper shot. He was also checked for parvo. Upon his release, he received two dog biscuits and a pat on the head. The President asked for the location of the nearest Petco or Petsmart and expressed interest in buying a new dog.
The President and his wife were originally walking in the park as part of his continuing therapy on his recovery from heart bypass surgery. He describes these walks as "exhilerating and therapeutic. They take off the edge and release the tension that gets built up inside. I plan on walking here a little every day and meeting the people and the animals."
When asked what he would like done with the animal if she was captured, the President said that "I'd like to meet the person that trained her. It's really hard to find good animal trainers these days, and that dog was definitely trained right! Monica could take some lessons from her!"
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was slightly confused by the sexual attack. "Was it really a dog?" she asked. "I thought it was Monica all over again. It looked like her!"