Written by Daniel Wolf
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Friday, 20 May 2011

It is being reported, nation-wide, that the Muppet, ANIMAL, has "attacked" Republican House Speaker John Boehner, and is, now, in custody of Department of Homeland Security.

Details seem to be scarce, as to what caused the alleged attack. The Republicans insist that ANIMAL just went "wild", and charged the speaker, with no cause, or justification.

According to the Electric Mayhem, which was playing a charity concert, nearby, as well as witnesses, who have requested anonymity, it is being said that ANIMAL did have "just cause".

According to eye-witnesses, the Electric Mayhem had just completed its concert, when applause was drowned out, by cries, and screams, which seemed to come from near the Republican fundraise.

The band-leader, for Electric Mayhem, admits carelessness, in not chaining ANIMAL up, before investigating the cries.

According to some witnesses, Speaker Boehner was addressing a pre-schoolers question, about how long the childs parents might have to wait, for a job.

It seems that Speaker Boehner, forgetting that he was speaking to young, impressionable, children, let loose with a Republican standard: Speaker Boehner, alledgedly, told the children "Your parents MUST remain un-employed, for atleast three more decades, until they learn that the only people deserving of above minimum wage pay are C.E.O.'s."

When one child, allegedly, asked the speaker about food, saying that "Mom has to sign-up, again, all the time", Mr. Boehner seemed to tell the children that "Your parents, and your families, MUST lose all food stamps, medical, and other benefits. You must be left without a home, or food, for 30 years. Only the rich are deserving".

It would seem that the part, about losing homes, frightened the children into tears, and this is when ANIMAL came upon the group.

Alledgedly, seeing the children reduced to tears brought a smile, to the speakers face, and this is when ANIMAL allegedly, attacked.

More than a dozen people say they saw ANIMAL chasing speaker Boehner across the Republican fundraiser, and into the campaign bus.

Here, it is reported that the speaker hid, out of sight, until the Secret Service took ANIMAL into custody, and rushed him off to the police station.

Witnesses say that Mr. Boehner would not exit the campaign bus, until the Secret Service promised the man that ANIMAL was gone.

Once the danger was gone, it is reported that the Speaker came out of hiding, smiled, and said "Here is further proof that Republican control would be best for the nation. We, Republicans, would, never, have allowed anyone, even a Muppet, to chase a Republican, no matter what the creatures intentions, or motivations.

In an interview, with the local, police, chief, this reporter learned that, upon arrest, ANIMAL told the police "Mean...guy...scare....chil...dren. ANIMAL...like...chil...dren. ANIMAL...no...like...see...chil...dren...cry"

It is reported that Speaker Boehner is seeking felony "assault and battery" charges, against Muppet ANIMAL.

It is un-certain if ANIMAL will be granted a stay, at the Guantanimo Bay "Country Club".

All that is certain was that, seeing the Republican, running from the Muppet, caused a huge round of laughter, and applause. The police chief admitted seeing the once-crying children laughing at the pursuit, even as the chief stifled his own laughter.

Who knows what will happen, next, in the lead-up to Decision 2012?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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