Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who heads the International Monetary Fund and, until a few days ago, was likely to be the Socialist Party candidate for president of France, has announced his engagement to Heebie Longfellow, an inmate at New York's Rikers Island where the IMF Director has taken up residence. Strauss-Kahn is accused of sexually assaulting a housekeeper at the luxurious Sofitel Hotel in Manhattan.
The rushed engagement has taken everyone by surprise, especially his wife Anne, who said, "I never thought that Dominique might be AC-DC, although he does keep a buff photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger on his dresser, and he does prefer me to wear his tightie-whities around the house. My goddaughter, Tristane Banon, who says that he attacked her in 2002 like a 'rutting chimpanzee,' is unfair. He can hardly bend down to tie his shoes, much less dance around on his knuckles."
The head of France's Socialist Party, Jean-Marc Ayrault, could not understand why Strauss-Kahn was arrested: "In France, assaulting maids is a normal part of life. We depend on the resulting bastards to prop up the workforce. On Tuesdays, when Mélanie comes to spruce up my apartment, we play hide-and-seek, she in her apron and me in my Adidas track shoes."
Of course not all members of the Socialist Party are happy with the fact that Strauss-Kahn's hotel room cost $3,000 per night. Francois Peut, head of Paris' trash collector's union, complained, "You can get a great room in Paris for 500 to 600 Euros, with a different maid every day. Was this Longfellow wearing an apron? Mon dieu! I must rush off and buy Dominique an engagement gift. Do you think silk sheets would be in good taste?"