Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi's former nurse, Ukrainian-born Oksana Balinskaya and now Donald Trump's personal assistant, was seized at Honolulu Airport after a high-speed chase through the city. In her possession was President Obama's original birth certificate.
"Der Donald promised it vould be a slam dunk. How vaz I to know Ukrainian money vaz no good for bribes? I just grab certificate and skedaddle. No time for umbrella drink."
When reached in New York, Trump denied being behind the attempted theft: "Oksana took it upon herself to steal the supposed original-what dedication!-I've now asked the birth registrar in Honolulu to turn it over to my team for radio-carbon analysis to see if it is actually 50 years old. Then it's off to dig up the attending obstetrician and nurses for additional evidence."
Hawaii Governor Abercrombie said he was "under no obligation to turn over the original to a creepy mo'o [lizard] like Trump. He belongs in a hale moa [chicken house] with that hair. Just think how many eggs that nest could hold."
Once Trump proves that the President is not a natural-born citizen, he plans to open an inquiry into the legitimacy of George Washington's citizenship: "The man was born in 1732, before there was even a United States. I think it's clear he should be impeached even though he's been dead for 200 years. He was British, as far as I can tell."
DAR President Merry Wright was apoplectic over Trump's attack on Washington: "Mr. Trump should be keelhauled for denigrating the Father of our country. After all, he planted his seed in nothing but the best ladies during colonial times. Ah, if all those beds could only talk."