In a nationally televised news conference, potential Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. "The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I felt I owed it to my adoring public to no longer hide my intellectual brilliance under a mortarboard, so to speak," said Gingrich who now wears his academic robes 24/7.
As verification of that brilliance, Bob Jones University has created a new academic award, summa cum bubba, which will be reserved for those whose intellectual capacity exceeds that of Einstein. Gingrich, who graduated from Tulane University, has enjoyed a steady stream of academic awards, beginning with the DuPont science award that he received at age 6 for discovering the reason why peanuts split into two sections: "Essentially, I concluded that it was God's will, and another example of Intelligent Design."
Gingrich said that he couldn't wait to enter the televised debate season with the other Republican candidates: "My credentials are impeccable and include my capacity to womanize even ugly bitches. I'm just hoping the committee puts my podium in between Palin and Bachmann. I'll destroy their concentration with my best come-hither glances. Plus I'll point out that both graduated magna cum nada from Dimwit University."
Concerning the potential male candidates, Gingrich was equally dismissive: "Pawlenty is Mr. Rogers in drag, Romney's a Mormon-'nuf said, and Huckleberry's as big a nut case as Bachmann. By the time I'm finished with 'em, they won't know the difference between Lincoln and Washington, which in the case of Bachmann is a done deal."
Next week, Gingrich is to make a guest appearance as a manatee in a National Geographic special on PBS.