Written by wadenelson
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Topics: Texas, University

Tuesday, 1 November 2005

image for Congregation of Electrocuted Pastor Demand Refund from Electric Co-op
House of Worship -- And Poor Wiring.

Waco, Texas -- Parishoners at University Baptist Church, where the Rev. Garound Folt was electrocuted during a deep water baptism last week have reportedly demanded a "substantial reduction" in their most electric bill from Prarie Gas & Electric, an rural electric co-op, and Touchphone Energy Partner.

The Rev. Garound Folt, 33, was holding an aetheists head under water in the jacuzzi used to baptise the newly converted when he reached out for a microphone. Touching the mike reportedly made his hair stand up like Don King's and subsequently sent him into cardiac arrest. CPR was administered on the scene, but unlike on television, only works about 30% of the time.

According to the scriptures, John baptised with water, and Jesus came to baptise with the Holy Spirit. Nothing is mentioned about electricity, or amplification, except in the Amplified Bible, where God's voice is described as "louder than a football stadium PA system."

In his final moments, Folt may not have seen God, but may indeed have seen a bright blue light as current coursed through his hand, chest, and cardiac tissues. Anyone who's ever pulled a spark plug wire off a lawnmower knows how "nearer to God than thee" one can get in those moments.

Pastors at University Baptist Church routinely use Biblical scripture to attempt to shock sinners into repentance, and Folt apparently grabbed the wrong mike, -- the "hot mike"-- according to eyewitnesses. "There was this intense buzzing sound in the sound system, and next thing you know the pastor's doing a horrible imitation of the dog paddle, with his eyes bugged out.

After receiving a $3320 bill from the co-op for damage sustained to a transformer on the pole outside the church from the surge, and knocking out power to over 400 homes in the Waco area, the congregation revolted, and threatened to sue.

"This is no different than a broken water main. We certainly didn't intend to use that much electricity, and shouldn't have to pay for it. Sure, we'll pay for the defibrillation he received, and the juice to run it, but having to pay a three thousand dollar electric bill because of an accident that took a good man's life? No way"

Representatives of Touchphone Energy said they "deeply regretted the church's loss" but that coal was mined, or natural gas burned, or atoms split in order to provide that electricity, and someone's got to pay. According to a Touchphone spokesperson, "The only free electricity in this world is lightning, and I doubt very much the church wants to try and operate using that.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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