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Thursday, 19 May 2011

image for US Supermarkets Suspend Debit Card Acceptance After May 21 In Favor of '666' Forehead Tattoo

In preparation for the Rapture, which, according to some nutball who sells T-shirts is set to occur on May 21st, major US grocery stores have suspended acceptance of debit cards in favor of the Number Of The Beast, 666, tattooed to customer's heads.

"We've had to recalibrate the scanners," says A&P / Super Fresh co-CEOs George Huntington Fresh and George Super. "And it looks damned funny watching a bunch of customers smacking their heathen, non-believer foreheads on the UPC scanner, but that's the currency of the land for the next 1000 years."

"I never thought I would live to see men and women walking around with a '666' stamped on their heads," says Evangelist Billy Graham. "Frankly, I didn't think I'd live to see the final episode of Petticoat Junction. How old am I, like 115?"

Super Fresh will still be accepting manufacturer's coupons, and you'll still need to present that stupid keychain membership card if you want to pay less than $15.00 for Cap'n Crunch. Cash will also be accepted.

"Oh, hell, yes. Cash is still King," said George Super. "And don't forget to check out our new 'Souls of the Damned' section, next to our seafood counter. We'll steam the souls for free!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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