Temporarily 'indisposed' IMF head Strauss-Kahn (DSK) is said to be shocked, dazed and confused after finding out Rikers Island was not the day spa in the Hamptons where he would be waited on hand and foot at the government's expense.
Checking his Michelin Travel Guide and not finding a listing for Rikers Island, when told he would have to 'hang around' until his May 20th arraignment for inappropriate activity including sodomy, attempted rape, false imprisonment and unsafe sex , his lawyer said the Frenchman was shocked, 'expecting luxury accommodation befitting his elevated opinion of himself and his position, not Devils Island!"
Infamous Rikers is long known for it's stark facilities, although DSK has been granted a private room totaling 130 square feet, about the size of his walk in underwear and sex toy drawer in his six private residences scattered around the globe.
Contrary to complaints by enraged Frenchmen, mostly on the left side of the political spectrum, DSK is getting room service, eating tools he can't hurt himself or others with, samplings of fine melted American cheese, healthy dry cereal with 1% milk, fresh fruit, and coffee or tea.
Escargot, unless he can scrape them off the wall and find a way to saute them, are not on the menu.
The one comforting amenity is the familiar pissior in the corner of the 'studio apartment'
consisting of a hole in the ground and copies of The Guardian , Paris Match, Liberation, Le Monde or Le Canard depending on the day of the week supplied as ' bath tissue' as part of an austerity measure by NY Governor Anthony Cuomo.
Meanwhile, telegrams of support have flowed into Rikers from Venezuela, Bolivia, North Korea, Syria, Portugal, Greece , Spain and Turkey. Noticeably absent were any 'get well soon' cards from Ireland, although anti EU activist Fergus McCarthy was said to be trying to arrange 'for a few of me colonial boyos to visit him and cheer 'em up."
So far the staff at Rikers are busy dealing with a host of demands from DSK's attorneys including:
- conjugal visits
- maid 'service'
- barber service
- massage therapy
- dry cleaning
- an open mini bar
- a shower attendant to pick up the soap
All requests have been denied, including a request from 'yuman rights advocates demanding that DSK be allowed to attend the latest crisis meeting concerning Greece, and be allowed to have his favorite jammies, the one's with the fuzzy feet.
According to jail warders, DSK is not taking it well.
"Dat's one French Fried Frog,' said guard Le-a, "and you ken quote me, that's Le-a, but the dash not be silent...call me Ledasha....,dat boy gonna git one big surprise if he try to jump my behind....he'll be bitin' off more than he can chew, dat true!"