Written by wadenelson
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Sunday, 30 October 2005

LAS VEGAS - A Houston multi-millionaire who appears to have lost his mind, or at least parts thereof, paid $690,000 at the Kruse auction for an escort. Not the exciting and speedy Anna Nicole Smith variety pictured above, but a 1975 Ford GL version, in light blue, previously owned by Pope John Paul II.

Friends and relatives of buyer John O'Quinn indicate they're going to try and have him committed, and are hoping for an annulment of the purchase agreement
by Pope Benedict, who they pray won't be a complete dict about it, despite O'Quinn being Baptist.

The slightly dented Ford Escort GL, once owned by Pope JP2 -- who is decidedly dead, will reportedly go into a museum the slightly demented O'Quinn, 62, announced plans to build. O'Quinn claims to have a collection of about 600 vehicles which he has blessed once a year by Jay Leno's personal bishop.

The thirty year-old compact car sold Saturday in what auctioneer Dean Kruse said was "driven only to church on Sunday by a cardinal" condition. O'Quinn says he plans to offer rides to the down and out hoping somehow that the dead popes ashes, currently stored in the Escort's ashtrays, will bring blessings among the hitchikers he picks up.

O'Quinn, a personal injury lawyer who made a fortune in the multibillion dollar Texas tobacco settlement, outbid least seven other would-be buyers. He promptly went outside for a smoke.

Contacted by phone, professional senior citizen escort Anna Nicole Smith expressed dissapointment at not being invited to appear on the auction block. Said Smith, "Shoot, for $690,000 I'd have given that old geezer a ride he'll NEVER get in a Ford Escort.

What was he thinking?" pondered the well endowed Smith.

According to a Vatican official, "The Escort was suitable to transport a pope before people started shooting at them. Nowadays we need something with armor and bulletproof glass, and I'm afraid the 1.1 liter motor in the Escort couldn't handle that much mass -- even the Saturday night "lite" service.

The car came with what the auctioneer claimed were genuine papal possessions: Rosary beads, a ggallon of pre-mixed Prestone and Holy Water (50:50), an AAA card for emergency towing and a copy of the IDG "Dummies Guide to Escort Services"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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