The Federal Communications Commissions (FCC) acting in consort with the Democratic National Committee (DNC) have mandated cell phone manufacturers include a special Obama Chip in each new Cell Phone in order for the President to 'stay in touch' in the run up to the 2012 election.
FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski, speaking through a translator from somewhere in either Poland, Romania or Manchester, England, and DNC Hairperson Debbie Wasserman- Schultz (DWS), announced the mandate at an Obama $500,000 a plate fund raiser in Napa Valley, California before a crowd of celebrities as soft as the grapes they were toasting.
The official spin on the edict is that Obama will be able to warn Americans by regions of imminent danger of terrorist attacks, flooding, tornadoes, locusts, African killer bees, impending IRS audits of 'Non Profits', locations of 2 fer 1 food stamps, or even a threat to their pensions.
According to Democratic Strategists cloaked by a Super Injunction, and therefore who can't be named even though they were caught screwing the American Taxpayer, the real case behind the measure will enable Obama to interrupt cell phone conversations with emergency fund raising messages, arrange for limo rides to polling places, provide a sample ballot with the proper check marks, and even text using pictures for the illiterate.
Said DWS, "the American Public needs this guidance from the President. If they follow his
New Life Plan to 'Change' including eating what he tells them, hiring who he tells them, building factories where he tells them, and joining unions that he tells them, and ultimately votes for whom he tells them, we'll come out of this mess that the Founding Father's got us into....BASTARDS!"
Another insider said he was disappointed Bin Laden was killed last week. "We had been holding back to zap him until the time was right, about 3 weeks before the election in order to put Obama over the hump with a last minute surge."
" Unfortunately that Arse Hole Joe Biden included him on the distribution list of a forwarded E-Mail to Nancy Pelosi inviting her to view the action of his demise in Michelle's White House Media Room....Osama, Obama...I mean, it was probably an honest mistake..a simple slip of the finger don't ya think?"
Unfortunately, according to an unnamed source inside the Pentagon, Obama is only batting .500. "We had two buttons set up for him, one to put a missile up Quaddaffy's arse and one to sic the SEALS on Osama. The President was clearly told "do not push the buttons until you're told! So simple a caveman could have done it. But no, we told him it was a 'go' on Bin Laden and the simple bastard pressed both buttons at the same time....missed Quaddaffy by 30 seconds as he hadn't come out of his bomb proof toilet yet....$1.5M down the shitter and no time to reload!"
Chicago Rapper "Common" invited to give a 'reading' at the White House said he was preparing a new ode to the President in honour of taking over the internet:
Obama Bin Everywhere.....hmmm, hmmm, hmmm
Hey Bro, no need to knit yur brow,
with dat chip in your phone, you can hear 'em now
we know he can dribble and ain't no quitter
now he be known as dat King of Twitter
da MAN bin in your plate, even telling you how to masticate
can't be tellin' 'em 'get out my face'
He's even invaded and taken over MY SPACE
He's in the kitchen with yo ho on what to cook
he's even your bess frien now on FACEBOOK
You can run and hide if you kin find a place
But Obama Bin Everywhere including outer space
So, Yo, get it together like birds of a feather
no one kin tell us when to stop,
I hear voices in my head to cap a cop
We be cool, ain't our fault,
we just be doin' wot we be tolt
Homeys together, couldn't be colder,
they can't touch us cuz Bam's got our back with Eric Holder
Keep that phone close at hand,
never know when Bam gonna need the Band
load that '9', it be fine and jis remember
that cell gonna ring to celebrate the next 11 September
Obama Bin Everywhere....hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm!