Written by Asheville Jack
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Topics: laser, JPL, Revenge

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

image for Former JPL Scientist Arrested After Setting Ex-Wife's Home Ablaze with Billion Dollar Laser Satellite
"Revenge", the arrested scientist was quoted as saying before being led away by police, "is a dish best served cold."

Pasadena, CA. - An unemployed physicist with over twenty years of experience working for the Air Force and the Jet Propulsion Laboratory on top secret projects was arrested this weekend after breaking into the JLP computer network and deliberately setting ablaze his ex-wife's house with a multi-billion dollar space based military laser.

The space based laser satellite, launched six weeks ago from Vanderburgh AFB, was in its initial testing phase according to sources who refused to be identified as they weren't authorized to speak on the subject.

The military satellite, stationed in a geocentric orbit 22,000 mile above the western US, is rumored to have the capability to shoot down enemy missiles and aircraft.

Called the Particle-beam Emitting Atomic Celestial Enegry laser, or PEACE for short, the laser completely destroyed the residence of the ex-wife, who now lives in San Francisco with her boyfriend, whose 2011 Porsche convertible was also destroyed in the fire.

Authorities say in an earlier vain attempt to injure both his ex-wife and her male friend the incarcerated physicist also admitted to using the laser to boil the water out of the swimming pool three days previous, supposedly in the expectation that his ex-wife and her boyfriend might injure themselves by diving into an empty pool.

The unidentified ex-wife also complained to the local police department that her two pet miniature poodles had also recently mysteriously lost all their hair and now resemble pink naked Chiwawa's.

A lawyer representing the arrested scientist, also unidentified, was quoted as saying his clients ex-wife was obviously unstable and may have burnt down the house and shaved her poodles herself in an pathetic attempt to damage his clients reputation, calling the ex-wife, "lousy in bed anyways."

A spokesman for JPL also revealed that two other scientists were recently disciplined for using the laser to play tic-tac-toe on the rooftops of unsuspecting home owners in the Denver area.

"These weapons, if they do exist - which neither the Air Force nor JPS will attest to, would have been designed to shoot down incoming intercontinental ballistic missiles and enemy aircraft, not to play tic-tac-toe on rooftops," said the spokesman who also refused to be identified. "Still, burning down the ex-wife's house with a laser from outer space - now that's one hell of a successful test - not that it's a test of anything that actually exist!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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