Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Money, Christian

Monday, 24 October 2005

image for Ralph Reed Pushes for Gambling in Churches
"...it's more than just a lotto for Jesus!"

GEORGIA -- Ralph Reed, the former head of the Christian Coalition and current candidate for lieutenant governor of Georgia is now lobbying for laws that would encourage church goers to gamble any money they might consider placing on collection plates. "My plan has been misconstrued by the liberal media. Here's how it would really work: every Sunday morning in thousands of churches across the nation, people put a lot of money on collection plates. That money is needed by the churches and there is rarely enough money to do all of God's work. Under my plan, the collection plate would be replaced by a small portable Lotto machine. All church collections would be placed into a national Lottery - kind of like PowerBall. Every week there would be a drawing, but instead of the big winnings going to individual churchgoers or the churches themselves, Jesus would win all the money every week! Jesus will become the richest man in the world!"

As news of Ralph Reed's "Jesus Lotto" spread, several TV evangelists wondered how such a plan would affect their bottom line.

The Rev. Billy Graham said, "Do you mean people would no longer be mailing big wads of money to Minneapolis?"

Creflo Dollar said, "This smells fishy to me… who knows what Jesus would do with all that cash? After all, who better knows the value of a dollar than me?"

Even before the decision to go ahead with the Jesus Lotto, Ralph Reed has been involved in serious deliberations with various leaders of the Christian Right in order to press ahead with church-sanctioned forms of prostitution, pornography, drug-taking, and family sex. "As long as it's for Jesus, it's OK," said Mr. Reed to a group of reporters. "When my plans are put into action, there will come a day when good Christian families can share sex and drugs together and feel the joy of knowing that it's all done for the sake of Jesus. Our sanctioned houses of prostitution will have the blessing of the church. You will be proud to see your daughters working in such a place. Even gay brothels will be blessed -- and, under my personal supervision, I will make sure that these gay brothels give good honest value."

"Thank goodness for the religious freedoms we enjoy in this great country!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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