NEW YORK - In a surprise announcement Friday afternoon, veteran journalist Craven Moorehead was fired from his long-held job at the New York Times. In a short briefing, Executive Editor Bill Keller said, "It has recently come to my attention that Craven Moorehead was using his position at the Times to gain certain sexual favors from nearly everyone that he came in contact with. I believe this is a serious breach of journalistic ethics -- even for a paper as liberal as ours. Craven Moorehead is hereby fired from this newspaper!"
A former colleague at the Times said that even as Moorehead picked up his final check from accounting, he lured the payroll clerk into a brief encounter in her cubicle. Craven Moorehead's reputation was fairly well known to nearly everyone who worked at the Times. "I would guess that at least 75% of us have given into Craven Moorehead at least once or twice. He's just a swell guy!"
Reporter Judith Miller revealed that Moorehead was a regular visitor during her recent incarceration. "Craven stopped by every few days actually. The guards must have thought he had permission because they always let him right into my jail cell and left us alone for 30 minutes."
"To tell the truth, I was so bored from being cooped up in that little cell, I was eager to give Craven Moorehead everything he wanted. He always seemed to want the same thing, but that was OK with me!"
In Washington, word spread quickly about Moorehead's firing. White House press secretary Scott McClellan said, "I've known Craven Moorehead for many years. He has interviewed nearly everyone in the White House from the President on down to the salad chef. In recent months he spent a lot of time taking notes on interviews with Laura Bush, Karl Rove, and Harriet Miers. The First Lady told me that Moorehead was the one reporter that she felt that she could just give everything to."
"He's so much bigger than George!"
Under a lot of pressure lately from a grand jury investigation, Karl Rove said, "Craven Moorehead was the one reporter I was always happy to open up to. When you're under as much intense pressure as me, Moorehead was just the fellow I needed to see. Ours has been a most satisfying friendship."
"It was only this big before I met Craven Morehead..."
As expected, Harriet Miers remained
tight lipped about Craven Moorehead.
In related news, TheSpoof.com announced that Craven Moorehead has joined its staff of well-paid writers. Mr. Moorehead will continue his journalistic exploits online.