President Barack Obama, recently revealed as a Panty Waist himself, continued his assault on the readiness of military personnel by ordering Navy Chaplains to perform same sex marriages between Able Bodied Semen(sic), should they be so inclined.
The order follows closely behind (sic) the military's efforts to comply with White House Special Order 69, Paragraph 3(a) mandating 'sensitivity' instruction be given to all members of the US Armed Forces regardless of their sexual orientation, with special instruction given to all Marines, Special Forces, SEALS, and Paratroopers.
This startling turn about comes after Obama repealed "don't ask don't tell" regulations legislated by former practicing heterosexual Bill Clinton during his two terms as President in Heat.
Former Lt. Commander and Congressman Eric Massa said "it's been a long time coming!"
Massa was forced to resign a few years ago after it was revealed that he staffed his congressional office with a bevy of interns who were out of the closet, and even shared a DC apartment with them where he was said to be 'eager' to engage in a plethora of 'hands on activities' to promote 'close personal bonding experiences" especially if the young lads wanted to keep their jobs.
After the allegations became public, a number of former ship mates of Massa's stepped forward to reveal startling encounters with him while serving on board Navy ships including 'fondling, groping, massaging," and most disturbing of all, "snorkeling" which involved some sort of under the blanket exploration while holding your breath....or something.
With the White House proclamation, the Navy is concerned that not only will there be a run to the altar, but a number of previously clandestine sexual games practiced by certain members of active Navy recruits will come out into the open.
Massa, who has stayed in contact with certain former navy shipmates, and is currently serving in Massachusetts as the Bilge Commander on the Provincetown to Martha's Vineyard Ferry (sic) after being recommended for the job by Congressman Barney Frank, (D, Gay, MA), said he now wishes he could rejoin the Navy and marry his former bunk mate XXXXXXX ( redacted) who served as the ship's cook.
According to Naval Intelligence, who investigated Massa, he was also big on other games dreamed up to pass the time including, "Up Periscope", "Torpedoes Los!" (the German version of launching a Brat Wurst), "Crash Dive" , "Keel Hauling" which involved pulling your thong up tight in your butt crack, and "Mopey Dick" accompanied with cries of 'thar she blows!"
Former Marine Medical Corpsman Frankie The J, who is now practicing as Father Francis DuBois as he makes the rounds seeking recovering sinners in his mobile Chapel, a converted WWII amphibious 'Duck', said in his tenure onboard ships, he became aware of some of the ship board games and was forced to treat them at 'sick' call.
"Shit," said the ever profane Father, " them gals were always coming to me for proctology treatment...had one guy, think he was the chaplain's assistant, who insisted his prostate was getting bigger and was going to explode...I had to check it every day!"
"And then there was the guys who came to me for jars of vaseline after their attempts at rectum enhancement went terribly wrong....talk about stupid arse holes!"
Despite the current uproar over the edict, Senior military commanders say they can control the situation even during war time.
"It's like this," said Captain Horatio HornBlower (no relation to Massa), "what happens BELOW DECKS, STAYS BELOW DECKS, unless of course some reporter decides to write a series about it! Homophobic Bastard!"