A new website, which will not receive a free plug herein, is knocking New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's millionaire status and cholesterol levels in a series of new ads.
"Governor Christie cut our schools, women's health care and our public safety to give a tax break to millionaires," says the ad, which is appearing ad nauseum on New Jersey 101.5, ostensibly because the penis-cream ad dollars are drying up. "Christie hates schoolchildren as much as he hates fat-free salad dressing and aerobic exercise."
"With Christie in Trenton, fat-cat rich people and fast-food restaurants are raking in the bucks, while our Governor wipes his ass with your tax dollars," the ads continue. "And do you know how many tax dollars it takes to clean Governor Christie's ass? We don't either, but we're guessing it's more than 5 or 6."
"I made some pretty good investments. Should I apologize for that?" asked Christie, while snacking on bacon-wrapped Gummi Worms. "What do they want from me? I should be like, Oooh, sorry, legislature. I'd love to stick around and balance the budget, but I gotta fly back to Trenton and pick up my paycheck. Later, f--kers'?"
"I care about two things in this life," he concluded. "The welfare of the people of the great state of New Jersey, and forcing McDonalds to keep the McRib on the menu throughout the year ."