Written by David Gleeson
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Topics: Health, Brain

Saturday, 22 October 2005

President Bush's personal physician today pronounced the president in "excellent" physical health but expressed concern that the president's annual exam once again failed to turn up any evidence that his brain was capable of forming an original or rational thought.

"While I am heartened that the president takes excellent care of his physical well-being," said Dr. Eugene Vickers from the steps outside Bethesda Naval Hospital, "I remain concerned about his intelligence quotient and brain capacity. Even with two hands and a flashlight, the president was still unable to find a coherent sentence during the course of my four-hour exam."

When asked if it was wise for the American people to entrust the most powerful position on the planet to such a blooming moron, Dr. Vickers just shrugged. "Hey, don't blame me," he said. "I didn't vote for the idiot."

The president's senior advisors seemed unconcerned with the news.

"For as long as I've known him, he's been as dense as an Idaho potato," said a close personal ally who wished to remain anonymous. "But that obviously hasn't affected his career or his ability to get elected. For God's sake, he just won re-election against a man whose IQ was probably three times his own. Do people care? Right. We're talking about the American electorate here. They'd elect a baboon if it looked good in a cowboy hat."

The president, too, seemed to take it all in stride.

"Given the choice between a healthy Texas body and some fancy city smarts, I'll take the latter," said Bush jovially to reporters on his way back to the White House. After an aide whispered something in his ear, Bush said, "Um, I meant the first one," and was then whisked away.

Harriet Miers, President Bush's choice to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court, was asked to comment on the president's scarce mental capacity in light of her recent comment that he was the "best governor ever". Miers stood firmly by her words.

"Yes, he was the best governor, and he's the best president, too," said Miers. "Sure, he couldn't think his way out of a paper bag, but that's what he's got advisors for. What's important is that Jesus Christ is his savior and that he picked me for the Supreme Court, where I can do my part to slowly dismantle our 200-year-old democracy and replace it with a Christian theocracy. I mean, really, let's keep our eyes on the ball here, people."

Tom Delay, the Texas Republican representative currently facing charges of election fraud and money laundering, echoed that sentiment.

"George Bush is the greatest president who ever lived. He lied to the American people and fabricated evidence for an unjust war. He's done everything to stick it to poor people while lining the pockets of his rich friends. He doesn't give a damn about environmental wackos. And he's personally stood by me even though I've broken just about every election law imaginable. He's my hero."

In fact, not one person from the president's evangelical Christian base seemed in the least bit phased by the news.

"Hey," said James Dobson, the influential founder of Focus on the Family and one of President Bush's closest political allies, "we evangelicals think the Earth was created 6,000 years ago in its present form by a loving, all-knowing and all-powerful God. We're not exactly Einsteins, okay? So let's give the guy a break."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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