University Park -- WalMart Heiress Paige Laurie cut the ribbon today at Southern California's largest Wal-Mart Supercenter, on the site of the former USC campus. In addition to an auto center, grocery, and outpatient surgical center, the new SC-Supercenter will have a Kinko's style diploma mill where anyone with $20.95 can "earn" a degree at a walk-up kiosk.
Prospective matriculators can sign up for a correspondence course in engineering, business, or heiressing, or simply watch interactive television, courses like "Who Wants to be a Walton," or else take take a general aptitude test using the same self-employment kiosk, and questions, that prospective Wal-Mart employees must answer. "
"It's about time," said Sanjay Kajiv, who had been slaving away for six years on his Masters in Biochemistry at the former University of Southern California. "Now, you slide your Mastercard, select your major, and out pops your degree. All your homework is done for you by a roommate, for as little as $20,000. Slide again for another $17,000 and you can have a masters, another $25,000, and a completed, spell-checked, faculty approved, PhD thesis pops out alongside your diploma.
Regents at the former USC, now managing the Diploma Department at the Supercenter said "It's a good thing. No more battles for tenure,and Wally World's benefits are waaay superior to USC's. When faculty get off work, there's no homework to be graded. Students automatically get emailed all the class notes, and the computer takes the online tests for them as well. No more excuses about modem failures, Windows crashes, and the like."
WMSC Dean of Students Murray Abraham praised the "New" University of "SuperCenter," or WMSC as it's beeing called. "Some women used to attend school to meet an eligible man -- what we called earning your MRS degree. For the career woman, who merely needs a rubber stamped MBA to take over Daddy's billion-dollar business, the RHA - resourceful heiress of arts degree offers the rich and lazy, who are better at plagarization than writing, a fair shot at a degree.
"The USC Regents, having revoked Paige Laurie's BA degree, and renamed "Paige" stadium to "Cheater Coliseum" sold the University Park campus to an "unknown" buyer from Arkansas for a cool $457B dollars. Regent's plan to purchase the UCSB (Santa Barbara) campus, which is located on the beach, and kick the Del-Playa partiers up to Sacramento or whatever."
"Southern Cal" is known as a "cool" school and what could be cooler than being beachfront?" asked one regent. Those UCSB hippies and surfers who burned the BoA, well, payback is hell, isn't it. The average American always thought UCLA was in LA, but was never quite sure where USC was. So we see it as a win:win. And for lazy cheats like Paige, well, there's the WMSC school of HRA. I hear they have a good lacrosse team."