Written by Honey West
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Sunday, 8 May 2011

image for Prince William And Kate Middleton Advised To Learn Proper Spanish Before California Visit
This is a Taco, Not A Tacko

London, England - The royal couple are scheduled to visit California in July, and since California is now 95% occupied by Mexico (which the royal couple may or may not know, being from a land far far away), it is imperative that they not commit any diplomatically dangerous linguistic faux pas during their visit to the land of sunshine and clogged freeways. Officials hope to avert a cultural crisis between the U.K. and the State of California of Mexico.

Therefore, a top priority on the royal agenda will be to learn the proper pronunciation of the abundant Mexican cuisine in the State of California Of Mexico. Of course, if the royal couple plans to stay out of Mexican areas to dine only in the very small "posh" territories that have not yet been taken over by Mexico, they won't require this advice. An unnamed spokesman says, "They both adore Malibu and Bev Hills, so they'll mainly be hanging out there."

However, should the two lovebirds accidentally stumble sideways into the "real" California, they must be prepared accordingly. William (aka "Wills" in the parlance of his countrymen) and Kate have been strongly advised by their handlers to be on their best behavior and correctly pronounce the names of Mexican foods or risk being be laughed (or larfed) out of Cali-Mex.

In the interest of public service and international safety, here is a short guide to assist them:

Taco: This meat-filled concoction is pronounced with a long "a": "tahhko", not the hilariously incorrect Brit mispronunciation "tacko", which sounds like something naughty from a bad Benny Hill routine.

Tortilla: The two "l's" are pronounced as "y". Brits seem stubbornly or intentionally incapable of understanding the "double ll equals y" concept. If the royal couple cannot be "arsed" to say it correctly, it's best that they just stay home eating bangers and mash, comprendo?

Taquito: The "q" is pronounced "k": takeeeeto, not the horrifically comical Brit version: tack-kweey-toe or the ever hilarious tack-cue-eeeee-toe. Geez.

While silly bumbling Brit mispronunciations are always good for a hearty larf around Ye Olde Dinner Table, such mangling is not recommended in the State of California Of Mexico (or Meh-Hee-Koe if they aspire to be 100% on the politically correct linguistic side of things.) It is hoped that the royal visit will end on a happy note with a round of Mahr-gah-reeeeeetahs and an encore of the famous see-through dress catwalk. If Pippa's there, even better.

An annotated food pronunciation glossary will be provided to the royals upon their arrival in the territory of Cali-Mex. However, it is unlikely they will need it, as the demure Kate suffers from sensitive taste buds, saying she can't stand "smelly Mexican food or people" and prefers smelly marmite sandwiches, while Wills says he'll be chowing down on smelly fish and chips instead of "that bloody arful Sowf of da Bordahhh junk like bahhh-right-oes".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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