Written by Jalapenoman
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Saturday, 22 October 2005

image for Chelsea Clinton to Enter Convent
Chelsea Clinton hopes to reject the world in her new convent

Chelsea Clinton, daughter of Senator Hillary Clinton and former United States President Bill Clinton, announced today that she has taken vows and will enter a convent. "I have decided that I am no longer up to taking the harsh realities of life and must enter a calmer, peaceful, more enlightening existence," said Clinton from her new home at Our SIsters of Eternal Virginity.

When asked if her Secret Service Security Detail would accompany her to the convent, she said that "these guys have to be willing to take a bullet for me; they'll be there too."

Father Francis O'Reilly of the Catholic Diocese of Boston was asked what he thought of her taking vows and of the situation. "Saints be praised! Tis a fine and noble thing to become a Bride of Christ, but I really don't know if Jesus wants her. As far as those two security guards go, putting those strapping fine men in a nunnery full of women is like...two boys who missed the kindergarten tour bus leaving the seminary. No good can come of it."

The radio commentators and late night talk show anchors have already discussed this issue and had the following things to say:

Jay Leno: "Hmmm, Chelsea to enter a nunnery. Maybe it's because she looked in the mirror and realize that "nun" was all she was ever going to get unless she paid for it!"

Rush Limbaugh: "That's one more femi-Nazi out of the way. We all know that if Hillary joined her, she'd campaign to be Mother Superior, and we all know that she's a real mother!"

David Letterman: "Now we know why the priests go after the little boys. Would you want to visit the nunnery and get some nooky from her?"

Tony Kornheiser of Pardon the Interruption (ESPN): "Well, the NHL (National Hockey League) has lost another potential model for the goalie mask."

Conan O'Brien: "We know that Michael Jackson purchased the bones of the Elephant Man. Will he buy Sister Chelsea's bones when she dies so he can also have the Medusa Girl?"

Clinton joins the long ranks of presidential children who have withdrawn from public scrutiny and the media to lead a sheltered life.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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