Written by Michael Balton
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Thursday, 5 May 2011

image for Donald Trump Running to Win the Indianapolis 500
Donald Trump plans to win the Indy 500 without the benefit of a race car.

Donald Trump has agreed to drive the pace car at the start of the 2011 Indianapolis 500 race on May 29. But track officials might get more Trump than they bargained for. The real estate mogul and part-time politician has declared that he plans to win the race.

"My strategy is simple," he said at a recent press conference. "I'm driving the pace car, right? It's my job to set the pace, meaning that no one is allowed to pass me. So what if I just stay out there for the full 500 miles? I stay out in front of the other 33 cars, and I win the race. It's another Donald Trump success story!"

One reporter pointed out that the pace car can only manage 100 mph, compared to 220 mph average speed of the racers. As a result, the event would take more than five hours to complete.

Not surprisingly, Trump saw the problem as an opportunity: "That's an advantage to the track because it will give them more time to sell hot dogs, beer and other goodies to the spectators. Believe me, I know how to make money. The officials are going to thank me for this."

But so far, the authorities who manage the track and control the race have been less than appreciative of Trump's plan to dominate their event. "We caught wind of this last night, and we developed an agenda of our own," said Bob Barndoor, the 500's director of competition.

"We're going to borrow a few snipers from the Indianapolis Police Department's SWAT team," Barndoor explained. "They told us they'd be more than happy to shoot Mr. Trump's tires out, if he doesn't follow our instructions."

"Bring them on," Trump replied. "A president has to remain cool under fire. So this will give me the stage on which I can show off another of my presidential capabilities. I've just got to remember to wear my bulletproof hair."

The real estate mogul then turned uncharacteristically pensive for a brief moment. "You know, this would be an entirely different country, if Kennedy had remembered to wear his bulletproof hair."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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